Fighting free from my heart and mind

Finale

2011-11-16T23:52:00.002+08:00

Thank you for seeing me grow up into the man than i am today...Fighting Free, its been a long 5 years and im finally done...Thank you for listening to my tears, sharing my joy and recording my history...Its time to start a new chapter...maybe ill start up a new site, and maybe i won't...for now, im starting life as a nurse, a new beginning, but never forgetting the past...and thats what you're here for...Cheers to all those who loved/hated this shit while it lasted...im moving on tonight... :)

Mucho Love,

Le Nachos

A new start

2011-10-30T23:17:00.002+08:00

Contract signed and its time to move on...2 more weeks and ill be saying goodbye to pending...for all its memories, lessons learnt and also the beautiful view of the trees in the pending carpark...yes the trees...beautiful pe...zZz...ill admit, im not over it even now but there's no turning back...i tried to dig up the anger, hatred within but i just cant...im too fucking nice i wanna puke sometimes...i dont mean any ill, i dont wish for revenge, i just wish that we dont meet under the same sky anymore, cause if we do, i dnt know how to react...cause i know somewhere deep inside, kept locked away, i still love her...just 2 weeks, 2 weeks in canadian pizza and ill never come back unless its to visit maz who's in a totally different area, so it shd be fine...i really do feel like i've grown up with her as part of my life, so its way harder...just a few months back we were gigling as we tickled each other, trapped in each other's warm embrace...chatting on the phone for hours about stupid things that came into our minds, going to far away places just for the sake of wasting time together...camwhoring like the camera's gonna be extinct tomorrow...i miss those times, i really do...moving on's not gonna be the same, but a whole new different experience...im gonna have to adapt to it...but i know, no matter how different it gets, ill always have this memory in my heart...cause i cherished every moment i had with her till the bitter end...and i dont have anything to regret, its God's will and i appreciate every minute of it...Alhamdulillah...

2011-10-26T01:59:00.002+08:00

Just 3 more weeks and a new chapter will begin...im feeling so fucking impatient that i cld just jizz in my pants from all the eagerness to start over...

Im feeling abit gay, period

Le Nachos

complete

2011-10-16T16:09:00.000+08:00

I miss feeling complete, where i'd get butterflies in my stomach every day, i'd be so happy that i'd keep silent just to take my time to bask in the moments....id look forward to every single free time of my life...i pushed everything else aside, just so i cld spend time with that one person...but thats all over now...in time it'll come again, and im gonna make it even more perfect...i have to admit that even im kinda jealous of the couple that's in front of me...a perfect girl who's patient, beautiful, trustworthy, loving and has a beautiful heart...she gave me hope that there are others ard thats the same...just, hard to find...i have to be patient, cause im done trying...ill let it happen by itself instead, ill know myself when to react...its gotten me a wee bit down, but ill bounce back like i did before and things'll be alright...

Roller coaster

2011-10-12T00:26:00.004+08:00

Heh, life's been a roller coaster for me...i miss the kids, i miss the stayovers...but hey, they might be coming back soon...Sky's sis already said i cld loan them for a month...yeaahoooo...they completely erased the problems i've had in mind...when i said goodbye at the airport, it felt like family, like they're my own lil kids...kinda sad to see them go...they really brightened up my life even if its just a few weeks...

Other than that, a 7 hours karaoke really improved Sky's singing, i loved to duet with Fila cause our voices fit well together, going out with Syirah shocked Zura, Sky and Fila...had plenty of sleepovers and met Sky's gorgeous sister in laws from australia during his sis's wedding...its been an awesome month apparently, i've had the best side of it to compensate for the shit i endured the previous month...now its back to finding jobs and im stuck with choices...pretty soon the full time's gonna come and the freetime will lessen up...daymn, i miss the kids, i miss Sky and i miss Fila...dad's not doing too great either so as a good son im staying at home taking care of him...shocked me when i returned home to find him having chest pains...forced myself awake watching over him till i knocked out...so poor thing la my dad...ill still keep praying for god to lessen his pain insya'allah...bills keep coming in frm bike and phone and im getting lesser working time in canadian...daymn, hopefully ill get a gd fulltime soon...looking forward to it...love cn wait, money comes 1st i guess...as shitty as it is, thats life, but who cares right, i was prepared to face this aniways...

Gotta work on my singing abit more...a lil at a time...then i cn boast it around...muahahahha, k stopeed eh Nachos...ey, who knows, maybe cn bcome rockstar!..waahahhaha...long shot la siols...k im crapping again...mendaaaak!!! k bye...

Wrong

2011-10-03T01:34:00.004+08:00

Well, god certainly has a weird way of showing that perfect girls do exist...beautiful, loving, matured and has a good heart...its out there, only closer than i thought...hopefully ill find one more, cause this one is starting to pull my heart closer slowly and its goddamn wrong...wow, its so shocking im jammed like when i was called 1st un line to talk for the SIA interview...control, relax, go with the flow and what will be will be... :)

Fuck you

2011-09-29T23:40:00.003+08:00

Seriously, fuck you...fuck you for entering my life...fuck you for breaking me down to my lowest...fuck you for being the one my heart cant say no to...fuck you for disturbing the peace in my mind...fuck this fate shit cause we should never have met at all..i regret everything...every single moment...every single time we shared, every single tear i cast...i was over it, i was FUCKING OVER IT...and you just had to pop up, not once but twice...yes it fucking shook me, yes it fucking destroyed everything i braced myself for...im not your fucking tool and im not a fucking pawn...if you have even the slightest bit of pity down inside that rotten core, then do not fucking mesg me again...i fucking hate myself for turning each time i reach for the delete button...i dont want to live my life thinking of you at all...i am nothing in your eyes and i want to stay that way...after all im just that guy who wanted you just purely for sex right...so why the fuck did you even bother...i dont want anything anymore, i just want to live my life in fucking peace...so get out of my head, get out of my dreams, get out of my life...i dont even want to care, i dont even want to think...dont forget the last mail you send me and keep those words to yourself...im broken enough already...

Remember the promise...

2011-09-20T23:44:00.004+08:00

Sweetheart, its done and over with, or shd i say over and done with...ill stop everything here...it ends tonight <3 ...i dont wanna say much anymore, im just tired and sick of everything...when a man throws his pride away, its usually because of someone else...and now, ill build up that pride again...i've made up my mind and this time im sticking to it...remember the promise... <3

Mucho Love,

Ace Le Nachos

Again

2011-09-18T03:36:00.003+08:00

Every song i sang with heart and soul...every minute, every second, everyday passes by empty...i grew numb from the pain and yet, here i am back again...i swear i loved her just for being herself, i swear i thought she was the most beautiful girl i've ever met...and then again, i swear i thought it was going to last somehow someway...i keep telling myself its the kind of thing everybody goes through in their life and i just had mine a tad too late...i keep telling myself im wrong over and over again till it aches...the more i lie to myself, the more it gets bigger and puts a huge strain in my head...its affecting my life, my future and im powerless...she's that far away now and never turning back...so why does my heart yearn for something my mind doesnt want...even if i could turn back time, i dont know what i can do to make it better, im just not cut out for it...the doors that open up were all closed shut by me unconsciously, for some reason im still not over it...it'll probably take awhile, maybe i have to keep reminding myself over and over again, maybe it'll end easier in an accident, or maybe something good will come...im praying for the exact opposite of what im wishing for...i dont know what else i could do...i loved her too much to call it quits even after all thats happened...pathetic much...im growing sick of myself...

To me

2011-09-10T05:31:00.003+08:00

Dear Le Nachos,

I hope you've seen enough, tried enough, known enough...things will never go as easy before no matter how hard you try...GIVE IT UP...for once in your life...give up on this...it doesnt matter that you still have feelings, it doesnt matter that you still cant get over it and it doesnt fucking matter that you will fucking kill the guy if you ever see him...you've seen enough, done enough...your name wasnt mentioned in the slightest, your past is thrown away without second thoughts...you can throw everything away too, and find someone way better...you just have to get over this stupid phase...so this is a reminder, when you come back from malaysia (INSYAALLAH) you're worthed more than what she could give you...you're already on the right track, just dont stop praying...keep mum and dad happy and proud like you've been doing, get closer to friends ard you and keep looking out for Sky and Fila....it'll come one day...you know it...

Your heart, along with your strongest instincts failed you greatly this time, and this is a lesson that it CAN fail and it may fail again in the future...nows the time to head out to malaysia, and if you're lucky you'll find a bomoh to take away the black magic that's been affecting you so far, and get a nice pic with your prettiest ex which you failed to acquire 2 years ago...nyeheh...this is a post to remind you NOT TO TRY ANYTHING STUPID...DO NOT cover this up with another post till you get over it...DO NOT mesg or even think of mesging her cause what you're thinking is not true - she was/will never getting/get any closer to you and SHE WILL NEVER COME BACK...and YOU WILL NEVER GO BACK NO MATTER WHAT...only cause you're worthed more and she's stupid...only cause you're the best and she's not...only cause you've made a wrong choice and now its time for regrets and NOT trying to fix the problem...GIVE IT UP, ITS OVER...SHE DOESNT WANT YOU ANYMORE...IT WAS JUST LUST AND NOT LOVE AND YOU'LL GET OVER IT AFTER YOU"VE FUCKED SOMEONE ELSE...LALALLALALALALALALALALA...k da...its over...there are other beautiful girls deserving of you, can help inspire you to write new songs, will appreciate you being the ultra nice guy and try to do the same, will be happy to have you picking them up frm work and in turn spend quality time with you, will be happy to listen to what you say and not fight back or twist words around, will be happy to get nice surprises and in turn plan surprises for you...in other words, there are girls out there who are willing to SHARE the world with you, and not TAKE it from you...so take your time and find that right girl, and when you do, never let her go like how you did with Aifa...enough's been said, no excuses this time, man up and take control...now its time to solat subuh...

Goodluck

Despite

2011-09-07T22:52:00.004+08:00

Despite all the warnings, shit thats happened, shit that's said, tears that fall, advice against this from close ones and repetition of shit, istillmissher... some things just never change, im probably just still clinging on to what my gramps told my brother, about the follow my heart thing...for the whole of my life, i've been following it and things felt right...now, its been failing me over and over again...over the same matter...am i overthinking things? why, so badly do i believe it'll work when there's clear cut evidence that it wont? i prayed for God to end this phase in my life...but slowly, my prayer turned completely different...into something else...i actually began to ask god to turn her this way...its silly aint it? for a guy to go to such lengths, for a guy to want to do almost anything when its supposedly over to the furthest extent...its unheard of, even sky said so...not even the most desperate of losers i've heard of could match up to me...i must really be the king of them or smth...ill just keep praying without taking any actions, cause it'll probably get retaliated with a pissy mood...if its meant to be, then it will be...and honestly, even with that strong doubt in my mind, its still 50-50...i cant believe it anymore...too fake to be true....

To God

2011-09-05T21:24:00.004+08:00

I was wrong...and now im trying to make amends for my mistakes in the past...i still havnt unravel certain things, but in time, i will - INSYAALLAH...im changing again...this time, to something im really comfortable with...it feels peaceful inside, i feel a wee bit weaker, but happier...ocassionally, i get down, but i pray hard and eventually it'll be over...alhamdulillah...advise from sky's mom really got me back on my feet, seeing my mum and dad happier makes me happier and talking with my brother got me feeling different, as though everything that happened before just vanished...i choose to believe i was misled before, and a video lecture by Shaykh Habib Al Jifri straightened out that part...i know now what i must do, and where to find it...a new beginning, a fresh startover...i will forget whatever happened in the past, i shall forgive all those who hurt me before, try to reach out to them again and most importantly, i will ask for HIS forgiveness, cause i've done so much that i couldnt possibly atone for...Ya ALLAH, please guide me back to the righteous path and open my eyes and heart to appreciate what i already have...please give me strength to get through the remains of this ordeal and let me live another day to become a better man...Amin...

Insyaallah, we will all find our way to HIM...

Hari raya

2011-08-31T00:44:00.004+08:00

I felt that this raya was way better than expected, the cousins were overly excited to meet each other, and some people changed...it was awesome, it was family...the first sad news i got when i reached, my dad was sick after dialysis and needed to rest, and my mum accompanied him home..i wanted to go back, but my mum wanted me to extend her regards to the cousins they were visiting , and so i tagged along...it all seemed awesome, i had a great time, laughed alot and was very happy till i got home...i went to check up on dad, asked for forgiveness from both of them...i hugged, kissed and salam them...my dad asked why i was working so much, and i told him, it was to make myself stable first, then i'd proceed to save up for them, so they could stop working...my dad insisted on continuing but i told him to stop and leave it all to me, same goes to mum...and in the touchy2 moment, my dad asked questions that i least expected...when are you gonna bring that girl home to see us...the one in the universal studios photo...my heart stopped...i sucked it all up, told them who it really was and said its was over and we werent contacting anymore...my dad still wanted me to bring her home...and i couldnt...or rather i cant...i ended our conversation, went to my room and the tears wouldnt stop falling...i wiped it off, went to pray...and i asked god, with all my heart poured into that doa, "please make my parents happy" and i kept tearing all the way...i want to find someone who'll be able to love my parents as much as she loves me, i want to find someone worthy of being called their daughter in law...and im ready to do anything it takes, including preparing myself thoroughly...and it all starts now...selamat hari raya mum and dad, forgive me of all my wrongdoings...ill make you proud of me one day...i promise...

Hari raya

2011-08-29T14:39:00.004+08:00

The second raya that feels empty...most of the time im supposed to meet my cuzzes, shit happens and it totally ruins my mood cause ill be thinking about it...but thats life or shd i say thats my life...still, knowing that, im gonna try harder this month, to turn away from the dark side of life and try to actually smile this time...its hard, its difficult, but ill do it, i know i can...i've recently calmed down from a fit of fanaticism and mesges from the former actually made it worse, as though it tears out and reopened the hole in my heart that just healed...but i cant do much about that either, ill just continue to pray and keep wishing that things will be alright...im hanging on to my friends clinging tightly to distract myself from shitty thoughts that shouldnt have appeared...im gonna make it through this after all...now, i have work later and i prayed hard for god to keep these pair of eyes away, and for this heart to remain calm...things are going to be fine...and ill be unstoppable again once this phase ends...

That dumb

2011-08-28T05:54:00.005+08:00

Memang bodoh nk mampos...kau ingat selama ni aku nk kau pasal badan kau je? badan macam papan sampai minahrep tepi jalan tetek pon lagi besar dari kau punye...its good enough i was calling you sexy just to make you feel better, cause everytime you're with me, you'll look happy when touchings involved...cause after awhile of talking and laughing you'll get tired of my boring face...memang la, klau aku pandai tipu aku da hari2 kuarkn cerita panjang2 kasi kau dngar...aku matair kau dulu, aku nk fikiran kau pasal aku jadi lebih besar dalam kepala otak kau dari ex2 kau yg lain...i wanted u to think im the best at everything, taking care of you, loving you, making you laugh and even sex...but you'd only see the last word here right? cause thats all i ever think about and bla3...please la, klau btol2 aku nk kau pasal main je, sudah lama aku da tinggalkn kau...carik pompuan virgin tetek lagi besar...aifah pon da lagi bagos...buat aper aku nk buang masa ngn papan da kene main ngn laki lain kn...aku tk cakap, pasal aku fikirkn perasaan kau jugak...tapi cmfm dlm kepala otak kau fikir ni smua coverline...

aqi nk bwk kau jumpe mak dier? nk keje keras untk kau for a better future? abiz kau fikir aku kena ditanya baru aku nk fikir pasal bende ni smua...ey, sblom soalan tu dalam kepala hotak kau, aku da prepare la...nk bwk kau jumpe mak aku time raya ni, nk carik fulltime keje jadi leh kahwin ngn kau cpat2 just so aku tkya hilgkn kau lagi...nk belajar agama jadi aku tahu lebih dari kau...tapi kau fikir aku bobual kosong pe, ape aku buat selama ni pada kau main2 je...pada dier syah cared for engkau all this while? kau tahu tk aku respect syah giler babi dulu pasal kau bilg aku dier ajar kau pasal agama? sampai dier tiba2 jadi mcm tu, aku garok kepala aper terjadi siols...klau dier btol2 jaga kau, dier tkkn tarik kau jadi lesbian sial!! dier tipu kau smua aku da bilang siang2, tapi kau degil, sampai kau dapat tau sendiri, ingat ni smua penyakit la...kau maner nk dengar cakap aku kn...

Kau baca ni kau fikir btol2...aku bukannye bodoh tk fikirkn ni smua, cume aku tk open sangat ngan aper yg aku nk buat...aku nk tunjok, bukan bobual kosong...selama ni, kau fikir aku nk kau pasal main je, tu fikiran kau boleh buang la...klau tk aku tkkn buang duit ezlink/minyak untok hantar kau pegi balik dari maner2 stakat nk tengok kau selamat, layan perangai sial kau, i wont even try to make you smile when i've already failed badly at it, i wont tell you to eat/ sleep/ wake u up on time for school/buy you shit stuff when you're sick/ work my ass off to have enough cash to take you out/dedicate my whole life to keeping you...i've always known you thought of me differently but never this far...superficial and lusting for your body, thats all that you think about me...

I've prolly wasted my time doing this up, its probably another coverline to you, there's nothing to be gained from this and bla3...whatever, im done fighting, if you see it, good for you, if not, then too bad...

Budak2

2011-08-27T22:14:00.002+08:00

Clear...so very clear now...haha, padan muke kau...perangai makin lama makin sial...tkpe, aku malas nk layan budak2 tkde otak ni...nampak matair kau kasi lagi 1 hilang k?...biar puas hati aku skit...da malaz3...

For everything

2011-08-25T06:51:00.002+08:00

For everything that i've done, i dont deserve this...to watch someone who grew up with me, became one of the most important person in my life, whom i've dedicated so much time, love and effort - walk away without saying so much as a goodbye to my face...completely abandoned for someone who probably made up a simple lie, and it doesnt stop there...in all those moments you needed someone, i was there trying...in all those times we spent, i took care of your simple needs without you even asking me to...for all the efforts i did to try to change to your liking, prayed for your happiness, loved you and being faithful to the very end, i got this - ignored, rejected and thrown aside like a piece of trash...was i really nothing at all to you? all those words you said about me before, they we're just lies?

Some guy who sells drugs for a living, "cheated on you for another girl" suddenly comes back and says he was searching for you for the past 5 years and bla3 actually happenned...he's been your guy for a whole year and he doesnt know where you live? instead chose to wander around teck whye looking for someone he knows...and he's been searching for you for 5 years? It doesnt make any sense from the start, but who am i to say anything now...apparently you have a strong attraction to liars and i cant change that can i...i thought you were smarter than this...especially after what happenned with syah...i know this wont change a thing, im not writing this out of defeat, but out of my heart which still undyingly beats for you...i know i fought hard, but to know that i was easily thrown away like that, its the most painful thing i've ever felt in my life...i only wish i could turn back time so that i could end my life before even meeting you, cause if god really had something better planned, then it would be to open your eyes, cause i cant love another, not when i've dedicated my entire life to you...its painful but im bearing this with whatever little help from my friends that i have...even now, im concerned about your future, safety and whatever else...i hate this, really, i dont even want to think about it...yet its mentally torturing me till i cant sleep peacefully...i'd wake up after dreaming of you and end up breaking down again...

That very much sums up what i had in my head...its easier for you to go with whatever you want, as always...i doubt things'll change...but this post was meant to let out my screams, and i doubt im done just yet...for now, this'll do...

Final

2011-08-20T15:39:00.003+08:00

Whatever posted here was bullshit...it doesnt exist...thank you for listening to my sorrows, joys and laughter for these 5 years...i think its time to say goodbye...fighting free, im done trying

THE END

Alhamdulillah

2011-08-18T23:56:00.003+08:00

It seems slowly but surely my prayers are being answered...i've done a mistake since long ago and it took a man whose been through worse to show me what i did wrong...im not afraid if the day comes...im prepared to move on and lead my own life, i realise how stubborn i've been and for what im lacking now, ill have it in the future insyaallah...i shall continue this journey to find my way towards HIM...im blessed to have experience what i have so far...thank you God and thank you Sky for being there when i needed you most...so for now, i realised that fairy tales should remain fairy tales...im not special, im just stubborn...for now, come what may come, im prepared to fight with my life for those who are worthed the fight...

Mucho Love,

Le Nachos

Its back

2011-08-17T23:52:00.003+08:00

Alhamdulillah...i feel secure than ever now...it goes to show that prayers are answered...i feel stronger, more of myself this time round, not just in relationship, but in my faith as well...i want this to last, i want to be her guide and i prayed so hard for that...im confident ill succeed...and eventually, i know that her heart might just open for me...until that day, i want to grow stronger, mentally, physically and overcome all the things and people standing in my way...i can do this, for my sake, for our future...

Fidza, selama ni, u berikn i semangat untuk hidop di dunia ini...u berikn i kasih sayang yg i tidak pernah dapat sebelom u jejak dalam hidup i...sekarang, i sanggop buat apape saje untok u...berilah i peluang sekali lagi untuk cuba membimbing u ke arah yang betul...we're not there yet, but we'll get there someday soon...ni janji i untuk u...kerana i sayangkan u lebih dari sesiape di dalam dunia ini...di dunia dan insyaallah, di akhirat...

Lost

2011-08-15T00:44:00.005+08:00

I dont feel it anymore,

a little from laughter, but thats the most i got,

the only thing i ever wanted, faded to oblivion,

a trap...

I made one wrong move again, one i should never have done,

I swore never to give in, but i did,

and now, i can only blame myself,

cause it was at the sweetest moments that i lost my grip,

and i fell, hook, line and sinker...

Now, it doesnt matter that im gone, it doesnt matter what i do...

i need to reach back in and save myself from history repeating itself...

i got myself into this mess and i have to get myself out,

its time for a long break...and if god wants it, im gone...forever...

Sometimes, limits are broken, and if all still fails, you know you're worthed more...

Special

2011-08-13T01:30:00.004+08:00

I know things havnt been well between us...we're practically drifting away from each other, its almost impossible not to notice...but after a storm, a rainbow will appear, and its a matter of time...we're not kids to let a few disappointing moments ruin what we have...this is real, and we are real...whatever happens, will happen and sometimes, there's nothing we cant do about it, individually...if we work towards the same mindset, we should be on a smoother journey together...for you Fidza, im willing to do everything i can to make it work, and as much as i failed, i didnt give up...because, i really love you like no other, cause you're as close to me as if we were of the same blood...i know, its not easy, and you could do with much better as much as i cld have it less difficult...but you're someone so special to me...you mean so much to me that you're a piece of my life...and tearing away that part will leave a huge never healing wound...i just need to make it clear now...cause whatever happens, i dont want to have any regrets...even if you're disabled, boobless or have your bottom half disattached, ill still love you...just like through this difficult period, i still love you...even when you perangai or merajok or hate me so damn much, i still love you...thats just it aint it? I LOVE YOU...for who you are, for how you make me feel, for everything we've been through together, for who WE are...and im yours...for as long as you want it...simply because, WE're special...

Empty war

2011-08-05T09:03:00.004+08:00

I've been fighting a war against an armada of challenges and i seemed to have thrown my guns out on the way there...i've managed to fight all the way here but i havnt realised that i was stuck in an illusion all along...i've won nothing...and when i woke up, it seems too late...i've gotten over problem after problem, and even this latest shit i was stuck in, and come out only for a new problem to face me...by far, this is and will be the biggest...and im not ready to handle this just yet...cause for all that i did, waking up from the illusion was the coldest killer blow any guy could face...

Once again, i repeat to myself, i shall not get broken down again, i shall do whatever i think is right and follow my heart, doesnt matter what goes out of my life cause replacements are everywhere, im gonna go through this life strong and true and believing in my own actions and not because someone wants me to, i shouldnt hope cause there'll always be disappointments everyday caused by stupid selfish impatient people who dont know how to make life easier for others...im proud of myself for making it this far though...now, its time to face the king, and im doing it just because i want to...

Disgusting

2011-08-03T02:27:00.002+08:00

This is fucking out of hand...im so weak, so ashamed....it feels so shitty and i have nowhere to tell it to but here in this blog...how did i get so weak? and when?? why of all things do i desire so very much, something that could ruin something so precious...i've got what i wanted and im throwing it all away just because of lust?! just because of something i want so bad i cant control?!...i fucking hate this to the core...as of now, i dont deserve someone as beautiful as her...the only thing i deserve and probably should have right now is a nympho slut who'll give in to my desires...but that's a sad disgusting commentary even in itself...i want her, i've fought so hard with everything that i have for her, i've endured all kinds of mental torture just so i could live with something so beautiful, so precious...and now im staining it with my own selfishness...im downright sick of myself...i need to find a way out of this now...or ill lose her and myself to lust....

Get over it

2011-07-20T06:26:00.003+08:00

I have personal issues i need to sort out...im weaker than i used to be...mentally...upset over silly small things, wanting something so badly and unable to get over it, feeling afraid of getting into arguements leading to feeling of being stepped on, growing anger and ego and growing speechless...why, why, WHY am i so weak...what went wrong, what the hell happened...im happier than i used to be, only cause of fear...it doesnt feel right...so whats gonna happen when i let out myself on that day...i wont care about shit, cause its a big day in my life...i wont care what people think, i wont let them ruin my day even if it means hating them for life or beating the shit out of them...im gonna be pretty spoilt in one day and nobody's gonna stop me...

Take a step up

2011-07-01T03:48:00.003+08:00

I was blind...i spent the entire time devoting my life to something that i couldnt really get/keep...i took it too easy cause life was made easy for me...its time i focus on reality...keeping my mouth shut and listening aint getting me nowhere...i dont need people telling me what to do, i just need to do it...a little bit of ego and selfishness can go a long way...i see that now...i just need to get lazy and fear out of my head...and ill be on my way to personal success...for starters, i need to quit spending....

Breaking lust

2011-06-13T15:54:00.003+08:00

It feels so very wrong now...after all that she said, i couldnt even bring myself to touch her...not even hug or kiss or whatever unless she wants it...i cant get too comfortable anymore, i need to keep my distance...cause i wanna prove this love is more than just physical contact...and i dont care even if my balls burst, i dont care if it hurts, i dont care if i have to wank every single day of my life just to get rid of the urge and i certainly dont care if i have to bring my pillow everwhere just for the sake of getting a hug...no more asking for hugs, kisses, sex, ect. and nothing but pure respect....so get a grip Nachos, its gonna be a rough ride...

Blow me through porno videos,
Le Nachos Margera

Over

2011-05-28T21:55:00.003+08:00

Finally, that crazy phase is over, and i only have god to thank for that...prayers answered...im actually starting to pray now...slowly but surely, ill make it into a habit...now, ill be more focused on getting more money, i want my own crib, one that i can mess up, keep cute lil furball kittens and have my own huge playstation without anyone to disturb me...so i need to find a job, preferably one that pays a huge sum, like ard 5-7k at least...i need to research, then i cn settle down happy....gerams...cant wait for that....then i cn live happily ever after....ill work my bones off for that...time to research...later...

Heart is racing, our souls twirling,
Can you feel it beating, can you see it shining,
Every touch is magical, every breath is mystical,
Trapped in a fantasy of lust for only each other,
Longing for the love thats never found else where,
Breaking through unrealistic chains, stating down history like never seen before,
Fairy tales do exist, and we're bonding our very lives to this story,
WE will make it forever, cause forever does exist...
I believe we can, as long as we have each other...
IloveYOU...

I dont get it

2011-05-27T03:42:00.003+08:00

I dont get it, why does it always seem like im wrong, i dont understand...am i that stupid or are you just not willing to accept whatever im saying? i cant even make simple not confirmed plans without being in the wrong? wtf is going on...seriously, i cant even seem to talk my way out of every arguement we have...i am never right in whatever point i give out, i never did try to argue and i got into an arguement, i try to simplify it but it gets complicated...i hate it...i fucking hate this...what the hell makes you think you understand me completely...you may be right at some point, but not everything is right...its like super stupid, waste of time arguement that goes nowhere and its fucking redundant...its as simple as, "i'd like to go on a holiday with you"...yes?- we go deep into plans and try to work out stuffs....no? - we just dont fucking go...ill get upset? - oh please, im fucking matured enough to understand that we cant always get what we want...so what, if i do get upset...it'll end the next day, next week and i doubt it'll go to next month...i seriously dont get it...i dont see a problem yet there is one...fuck im prolly just tired and having schizophrenia on msn...ill go sleep now...

Mucho confused,
Le Nachos Margera

Judgement day

2011-05-20T18:26:00.000+08:00

A man nails himself like Jesus Christ, tomorrow is the so called 'judgement day', another earth is found and the corpse of an alien is found in siberia...whats next? things are getting a little scary...not that i totally believe judgement day will really come tomorrow, but what if it does happen? i feel like spending a final day with her just incase, but things havnt been well, we got too much of each other and we need some time away...and so that cancels out today and tomorrow im working...kinda sad...but ill pray that sunday comes...and for thingsto get better...for now, i jz need rest, which i've been lacking for the past few days....i need guytime and gymtime too...when its time, we'll get bck tgt and enjoy life jz like before...i hope her feet'll get better soon...then she cn try out her birthday present a.s.a.p....time to rest now...be bck soon...tc darl...

Live to see a better tomorrow,
Le Nachos Margera

crumbling

2011-05-17T14:53:00.002+08:00

Baby's hurt real bad, i cant forgive that bastard who hit and ran away like the coward he is...right now i just wish i could take away all her pain and bring it to my leg instead...im worried sick,i just hope its a minor bruise and the pain'll go away soon...get well soon by, ill be there by your side all the way...

Mucho love,
Le Nachos

Money

2011-05-12T00:08:00.000+08:00

You know how hard it feels when your life seems to revolve around money? Ever heard how people say money isnt everything and how money cant buy you happiness? well here's the hard hitting truth, your very lives revolve around money...everything you do, you need money...we dont live in the cavemen era where people live on fruits and hunt tigers for breakfast and fuck each other silly during their free time...nope, we're living in the fucked up future now, "money isnt everything, but without money you are NOTHING"...its not helping that you have parents who care about money more than they care about their child's happiness...i grew up learning that i CAN indeed buy happiness...i grew up being independent, learning that everyone will break their promises...i grew up not expecting anything from anybody, but to get whatever i want by working for it...since i was a kid, i never really got what i wanted...i needed to work for it, literally...not for my mum though, cause working for her will just end up in empty promises like how it did a million times before...truth is, i hate money...i hate the fact that it controls most of the things in my life...i hate the fact that it draws away my parents attention from me...if i could go back to that cavemen era, i would...now, whatever that i have, ill spend it on food and most importantly, my own happiness...i wont listen to what people have to say about how i spend it cause they dont know shit about how i've been longing for this type of freedom...even if my cash is down to my last cent, ill wriggle my way out somehow...ill get a job to get it back up again...and keep myself happy...cause as of now, thats what i need the most...and when life gets me down, ill pick myself up and keep telling myself "quit being a pussy and live with it" and it'll work wonders...

Live strong and happy, like i've always done before, no matter what gets in my way, keep pushing forward and smile to see another day...

Mucho love from me to me,
Le Nachos

Failure

2011-05-04T22:02:00.003+08:00

Its a big failure in my opinion...i couldnt wake up even with an alarm set, i cldnt even make a simple morning better, the afternoon was just mindbreaking and lastly, the food was not up to expectations...the rain did'nt help, and darl's tiredness cldnt be blamed...at least there was a consolation, the present...if only i could just turn back time...i didnt even have the courage to face her after all that mess in the afternoon...

Im sorry if i spoiled your 21st birthday, which was supposed to be special...im just not cut out for big plans i guess...i hope your family will cheer you up and make your day better...and the longboard, i hope you master it soon...so we cn go skating at kent ridge...Happy Birthday Hafidzatul Islamiah Bte Ismail...

Im super omegaly sorry,
Le Nachos the fat fuck failure..

I know

2011-05-01T20:34:00.003+08:00

Dear love,
You know ill always love u most no matter what...and you know deep down there's never a reason to get jealous when you're with me...no matter who i look at, who give the sweetest smile, or tell me sweet things, they could never compare to you, and you'll always be on my mind...some say there's no true love without jealousy...and seriously, you feeling jealous, is so new to me i dont know how to react...so weird, but a nice warm fuzzy feeling inside too...awww, you're just the sweetest...cant wait to make it your best ever day with me...i spent days planning for this...i just hope it'll turn out okay...

IloveMYprincessFIDZA,
Le Nachos Margera

1 week down

2011-04-27T00:25:00.002+08:00

Its been a week since then, now's the so called 'honeymoon' period...nothing has drastically changed, we've been ourselves, or at least the better half...tears shed within a few days were never a good sign, but getting back up straight away after a fall wasnt easy either...doesnt matter what comes our way, we just need to be strong together...sometimes, it feels like there are too many restraints, sometimes being too free doesnt seem right either...so, when things like these hits our minds, the only thing we shd do is sip coffee, smoke and laugh our asses off about other crap...cause thinking about it will just bring more stress to this r/s than whatever it already has...so what does it take for this to last? patience and alot of ignorance probably...cause effort in the wrong sense may just make things worse...its baffling, beyond comprehension, and yet, its a challenge im facing...so cheers, to one week of romance...for all that i do, im still loving you :)

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos Margera

The final night

2011-04-20T02:26:00.004+08:00

Finally, its done and over with, i can finally breathe easy...now i dont need to hope, i dont need to try, and i dont need to feel down...cause i've got YOU...and i feel complete again...this wonderful feeling that comes thrice in a lifetime...hah...life feels beautiful...this time, it feels better...im intending to keep this, im intending to keep YOU...being myself isnt so bad at all...all those days i got myself down feels over, all those days i felt alone feels over, and getting back up on my feet was really the right thing to do...yes, life did get better in the end...for all that i've been through, it was worthed the fight till the end...now, i just wanna chill, take a step back and take in life slowly, as beautiful as it is...cause i've got the most beautiful girl in the world...it was all i ever asked for...yea, I Love You...

Jigsaw falling into place,
There is nothing to explain,
Regard each other as you pass,
You look back, she looks back,
Not just once, not just twice,

Wish away nightmare,
Wish away nightmare,
You've got a light, you can feel it on your back,
A light you can feel it on your back,
Jigsaw falling, into place...

Te quierro mucho,
Le Nachos

VROOM VROOM BABY!!

2011-04-12T21:32:00.004+08:00

1 MORE FUCKEN DAY!!!!! im so sexcited i can jizz in my pants right about now...my baby's coming out soon, i hope there's no delays, i hope everything goes smoothly...omg my heart keeps racing by the minute...i feel like taking that road to changi to send my mum but im still not confident of going to the highway yet...if i get it tomorrow i am so gonna go riding till my balls cramp up from whacking a hole in my tank...yeap...

My O.O. once said, "later you get bike, sure get girl one..." hahaha how i wish...but then again, there is a certain someone whom i've been waiting to get on my bike once im confident enough (name shall not be mentioned in case a certain someone gets jealous and starts fucking me bondage style)...hell yeah, im gonna get that person behind, get my shades and leather jacket (ill need to get one...sheng siong ada?) and then, ROADTRIP!!! we'll catch the awesome breeze in our hair which is covered in the helmets(zZz) and then we'll pull over and stop to let her grab the roadkill for souvenirs...haha...daymn...im still sexcited dammit...

On another note, im alive, im proud of myself for making it this far, and im proud of who i am today...im not complete, but im not far from it...i've come a long way to find myself when i was there all along(macam wtf kaaan...confirm korg tk paham) im still treasuring each moment spent with loved ones...i spend time with them with the thought that im flying off the next day...its disheartening at first, but im glad i still have tomorrow to spend time here...so little time, so much to do, so many things i wanna experience...and yea, im still waiting for IT patiently...i realised from my emails(which i cleared abit) that i had IT...i was happier back then...and im still waiting for the same...if it wont come to me, by golly ill go and find it...its out there somewhere...and its alive in my dreams...

Lastly, a formspring question posted on facebook courtesy of Juliescary...
QN: Which came first? The chicken or the egg?
ANS: The konek..
L, O, 'fuckin' L...bitchtits madness moment...oh how i simply adore her bitchy answers...

Blow me with my own exhaust pipe bondage style,
Le Nachos <3

What people mean to me

2011-04-02T20:56:00.006+08:00

I wanna go to australia...i wanna study and meet new people there...i know that if this were to happen, ill have very little time left in singapore...i want to spend this very precious little time with my closest loved peeps...after ns, im going all out to spend that little time left...then, when im there, i know ill miss here badly, all the crazy times, all the precious moments and how i grew up...life wasnt always easy here...as stupid as i thought my life was, i've come to the point where i have no regrets...i lived a crazy fucked up life that made me into who i am today...

And its the crazy things i did with Erwin that made me grow up...its the bond of brotherhood that i had with Sky that gave me a family...its the funny times with Maz and Hilda that made me have a place to laugh...and its the colourful times with Fid that i found love and learn how to live...every single one of these people gave me a part of them and made me who i am today...saying goodbye will never be easy...and leaving them to move on with life, that's has got to be the saddest thing ever...i need to prepare myself early, i need to keep reminding myself it'll be ok...for i know, even if they're not with me physically, their memories could always be found in my soul...

Ill spread my hidden wings,
Ill fly forward with heart,
Through the skies we all look up to,
With nothing but courage in hand,
Let their wind be my guide,
Let their love be by my side...

Beautiful secret

2011-03-27T20:56:00.003+08:00

Life has its beautiful moments...
We all live through sadness, we all live through pure joy...
But not all of us gets a share of a certain beautiful moment thats indescribable...
And thats one of my aims in life...
I want to live through that moment and hold whats mine in these two arms...
I want to shed those tears of joy at the moment where i know im already past the stage of just being loved...
The beauty of life is what i've seen,
And what i want is similar,
And thats my beautiful secret... :)

3 day wonder

2011-03-27T00:37:00.005+08:00

Island creamery yaw!!

Taking photos this close turns her on... >:D

Air aku la &^*&$%^%!!!!

The main ingredient in Fid's kicap mejik cap berok hensem

Cause im for real, are you for real,

I cant help myself, this is the way i feel,

when you look me in the eyes, like you did last night,

I cant stand to hear you say goodbye...

End of 3 day wonder...what next? i dont know...just look forward to it i guess...i need to do something soon, my balls feel like its gonna explode...i hope i get a nice wet dream tonight, or ill just burst it myself...wahahhaha...

Blow me,

Le Nachos

Is it time?

2011-03-20T20:19:00.002+08:00

It was more than a super awesome weekend,
It was just magical...
It felt familiar somewhere, somehow, somewhen...
I think i know what it is, but i just wont admit it this time...
At least not yet...
Even though it was the strongest felt in months...
Even though i want it badly...
Even though i almost added another 3 mins with REAL feelings for once today...
I just felt that things wouldnt go wrong this time - too strongly...
I should never feel this way, not now, not ever...
I just want to continue living in this moment,
and let things unravel by itself...
I dont know it it'll be too fast now, but im not taking any chances...
Cause things are getting better and i dont want to ruin it all...
I just want to wait for that huge obvious sign thats sticking out from a plain desert that says "Its time fuckhead!!!"
Yea, till then it should continue the same...
I know for now, i should be ready for a bigger picture...
Im planning towards that now, and if god allows it,
It'll be her :)

Nothing else matters

2011-03-17T23:10:00.004+08:00

It feels so cold, to know that you're all alone at that point of time in your life...
It feels so unfair, to know people around you have someone there always for them...

Im getting used to this, only cause im born a man and im supposed to come out of this just fine as always...Lately i've been going strong and awesome, and things are turning out better than expected...i feel happy, in fact, too happy...shutting out negative distractions and focusing on the good of life...i dont know what i really want now...im just taking a step forward tasting beauty as sweet as it is...one thing im really confused about is, whether changes are supposed to feel good...things are different now...each kiss feels different, each word has a different meaning, even the feeling's different...i want to taste the best everyday so that ill get sick of it and never want to taste it as often again...cause with every sweet feeling that comes and takes you high up, the fall is greater...i want to get used to being high up, and learn to bring myself lower slowly, so that there will always be a shorter distance to fall...

Im still afraid of the fall,
I kept it back,
I stood my ground and kept my guard,
But i cant explain why i keep feeling this way,
It seems that im head over heels again,
I never expected anything this time round,
But it still came,
Im tired of silly games,
I just want your hand tied to mine,
Then ill take you for a long walk,
Upwards, to the skies, where we'll reach space and settle down,
There, we'll bowl the planets, smack the aliens and wish upon the stars...
The best part is, we never have to look back,
Cause we'll have each other,
And nothing else matters...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

2011-03-09T22:06:00.002+08:00

The game is cold, the trigger aint got no heart...
The shot is fired and im dead without a sound...
The search for a soul continues,
With the living dead roaming the streets...
Everyone's had their fair share of this winter spell,
Everyone's lost their love...
So who shall i share the world with?
Whose warmth shall i feel next...
Ill take her hand, lead her outside,
And we'll taste the world...
Together...

BEROKS!!!

2011-03-06T14:26:00.003+08:00

OK, just a short post...HAHHAHAHAH...Rudy, Fid you should really consider trying this out...

Blow me,

Le Nachos

If only

2011-03-03T17:13:00.003+08:00

If only this were in secondary school...

It wouldnt hurt that much...

Everything was good till today...

When i stopped pretending for a minute, it all sets in...

I was laughing, smiling more that i did before,

and i should be doing that now too...

i guess there's a limit to how much you can lie to yourself...

and how much you can take...

it'll be over soon Nachos, i promise...

i just have to bear this a little bit longer,

its just that time of the year again...

keep fighting that other half of me and ill make it through the day, month and year...

the messages are constantly there to remind why...

So dont forget and keep hanging on there...

On another note, degree...what course should i take if its possible...going back to school is something im really looking forward to now...new people, new beginnings...and a chance to hit the reset button on life...SIM is top choice, not really fancying gg overseas, but i will if i have to...cash is totally prepared by the folks back home, all i need is to get in, study hard and graduate with that degree...i havnt been studying much my whole life...i got the diploma and o levels purely on luck...now, i feel like trying...and i want it...and golly i will get it..

Next up, surfing and skating...surfing will take a lil longer thanks to bike progressions...and then there's skating...i wanna fucking grind that rail in front of my block so bad...and ollie down the steps...hahah...just an intense bloodlust for fun...hahha...tts it for now, i wont update that often i guess...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Life goes on

2011-02-26T21:00:00.002+08:00

Now, i've calmed down a little...
Now, i saw myself over reacting in a burst of emotions...
Its not hard to spot your own stupidity in action...
You just have to take a deep breath and think it through..

Im sad, i cant deny..
Im alone, so what...
I just need to find the strength to move on and be happy,
Holding myself throughout like i did my entire life...
So why should i give up now?
I've come so far through all this...

As for YOU, whatever you think of me, i dont really care now...
I wont hate you, i wont love you but i will miss you,
Doesnt mean after all that's happened we have to be enemies does it?
Ill just take everything as a lesson,
To tell me why i should never,
You were right to some extent,
I wish you all the best in getting over her,
and may you find someone who could do what i couldnt...
Im always available for a chat and nothing more...

And mum, you dont have to rub salt to my wounds,
I know im alone without the need for you to shout it over to my dad...
It'll just get me depressed even if its awhile...
It'll make me feel like the lowest being on earth coming from you...
Ill just let it slide this time round...

Im not a kid anymore, i dont need looking after...
Im not afraid anymore, i can fight all my fears...
Im not gonna sit down and cry forever, i will pull myself through...
I am alone, but I have ME to pick myself up when i fall...
It'll be nice to have someone there, but until i find that someone, i cant fall..
Not now, not ever...

I AM the Ace,
Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

WHY???

2011-02-26T01:32:00.002+08:00

WHY?? i cant accept it, i cant believe it...where did i go wrong now, what can i do now...i dont know all the answers, i just dont...im pouring my heart out now, i want this over and done tonight...all my efforts seem to have gone to waste...i cant do anything right with my life, not with family, not with friends and not with love...i just dont get why life has to be so difficult, i dont get why i have to lead a life thats so empty, lonely when people are laughing and smiling and going through the life that i longed for...no matter what i do, i never feel appreciated...when i try to appreciate things, it ends before i could fully grasp it...so who do i turn to now? sky? hilda? zira? i dont even want to face these people with the state im in...not when their life seem so perfect and mine ends up in shit...i just feel so empty and depressed that i dont even wanna feel happy...i feel so stupid that i dont even know if im typing any sense...i try to be happy and things happen and hammer me down...everyone's doing the same, be it my mum, my brother and now you...i punched the friggin wall and it din do anything to divert the pain-I cant even feel it....i smoked till my last stick and i didnt even feel calm as always...i dont know what ill do now, life doesnt seem worth living anymore, and i dont need you to tell me anything about this...

I could never get you to appreciate me, i could never get you to listen to me, i could never get you to understand what im feeling, i could never get you to stay, i could never get you to love me, i could never get you to miss me, i could never get you to understand what im trying to say, i could never get you to change your stupid selfish mind...thats just it right? i could never get you to do anything...nobody could understand you, but there's nobody to understand me as well...you feel lonely when i was there all along...you cried your heart out and i did my fair share too...i didnt have anyone who tried to comfort me when i was down, nobody...you had me, but you cldnt face me...but you're not to blame right....its your feelings that made you this way...i've done so much to bottle up my emotions...and now its bursting out...i feel different around you lately, im not being me, i get scared to make a wrong move so bad i think hard before i speak...but it ends up the same...i just dont get why it had to be you...i still dont know why i cant get over you like i did to my other exs...was it the sex? ill try fucking other girls out there then...was it the face? i wldnt leave my 3rd ex if this were so...was it because i felt appreciated at times? this is impossible to get, even from you...i dont know and i never knew...i hate this and there's nothing i could even do...

By now im sure you're gone again...it opened up my eyes again and reminded me saying "hey, you're alone and have always been, nobody's there at the time you need someone the most"...and yea, no, you never figured me out as much as you think you have...even if by some magical means you're till there, im not gonna hold back anything anymore...there's nothing left to lose...i cant see you the same way again...its a new start now...that felt better...hopefully i can fucking sleep now...i've had enough of emotional shit nights after listening to you with care...

Nighty night fuckface,
Le Nachos

1st valentine

2011-02-14T12:09:00.002+08:00

Today, marks our 1st valentines day celebration,
Im overjoyed that i get to spend it with you,
Through all the tears, sadness and anger for one another,
We still lived to smile brightly today...

I know we have our differences,
I know we have our difficult and stupidity moments,
but i just want you to know,
Im still trying with all my heart and soul...

YOU made me laugh,
YOU made me smile,
YOU are the one to bring me to my lowest and yet,
YOU could make me the happiest man alive...

I have been appreciating every single moment,
I know it might not last till next year, next month, next week or even after tomorrow,
but that doesnt stop me from trying to make you smile,
cause YOU are that precious to me...

Should we ever share our last hug, our last kiss and our last moments together,
You SHOULD know, i tried my best till the very end,
always looking forward to a brighter tomorrow with you,
always believing that day will never come...

While im still here, im yours,
Im the strongest and ill protect you from anyone or anything,
I'd do almost anything you ask me to,
Ill make you smile,
Ill make you laugh,
Ill always be there when you ask/need me to,
Simply because I LOVE YOU,
I dont need any reasons to do so,
I dont need to doubt myself or stutter when i say it,
I dont need to know your feelings to feel this way,
I just do...

So happy valentines day sweetheart,
I hope you enjoy today...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Almost there, one last lap

2011-02-11T19:05:00.003+08:00

Last lap baby!!! i really need this...one final lap coming soon...i need to pass this no matter what...wish me luck on this yaw...if i do this all i have to worry about is cash for my new gf...yeaaa, the dream where i rode a sports bike and corner like a beca is sooo near i can just taste it...like the taste of burning hot, gasoline scented, smokin pussy juice...mMmMm yeaaa...payday's tml and just in time too...my specs just gave way and broke...im as blind as a bitch chasing its tail...3 days leave ahoy...tt makes it 5 days away from camp...just hope none of those bitchtits will recall me back for some stupid reason...i'd seriously cum on their faces and shove cucumbers up their asses...that'll teach them to mess with Le Nachos on his off day *fold arms nigga style, matrep tongue sticking out from cheeks*

But first!! cheers and beers tonight...i need to get high and smoke my thoughts away...i feel really stupid when my mind gets out of control thinking of worst case scenarios when something stupid happens...its just not worthed it ey? so bottoms up, ill find someone to drink with, or maybe i should just head to cuscaden alone...that'll cheer me up goood...yeaaa...

Blow me,
Le Nachos

Happy

2011-02-05T14:11:00.002+08:00

Im happy...and i want to keep this happy...sure there'll be some shit along the way...as long as there's nothing too big, it'll be alright...last night was nothing short of magical, something i could only dream of in the past...i dont want to sound pathetic right now so ill just keep it to that...ill keep trying to figure you out slowly...piece by piece, im learning every single detail about you, mind and body...there's more to that i know...im intending to crack it out...

Pretty soon...im feeling impatient, but i need to stay calm, i cant let myself get cheated...i need to save up money to go out on a date with my new gf...it'll prolly be ard april...im planning to spend roughly 1.5k on her...mMm...we'll go around singapore, just the 2 of us (and most prolly one more for an awesome threesome ;) ) then life will be easier i know...i only wish i had her for valentine's day but she cant make it that early... :( i soooo cant wait to see/get/carass/doggie/ride her...hehheh...pretty soon baby...and u know it ;)...

Mucho bonchets,
Le Nachos

Sooo not me

2011-01-25T18:05:00.004+08:00

Yea i wasnt being myself lately, in the last post i sounded like some gay coach trying to motivate a bunch of shemales to blow themselves...aniways, new target yaw...gonna cut my budget nxt mth like crazy!...i need to save up fer my new bike which shd come ard april...why? cause i shd have passed tp by then...SP, RXK, KR and spark are the choices...yea ur prolly wondering why spark?? well, i realised its gonna be a load of trouble to carry helmets ard so yea im jz being my usual perangai gemok malaz self and i dont wanna carry them so why not put it in a box? it goes well with spark and rxk for tt matter...i cant put a box on a SP cause it'll jz be retarded...but then again, i fashion seeing myself riding a sports bike so SP is still top of the list...shit i soooo cant wait....im working on tt...

Next target in mind is to cut down on fats and grow that lean ripped body!! im still way off and im gonna target nxt 4 months to get those friggin abs...i've been working out on my arms more lately and yea there's that difference...even taking lessons from the hulk in my bunk...but its not getting the results i want...sure my arms are bigger than before bt its the abs tt matters...so im gonna change my training programme abit and ill loosen up on the weights and get on to the crunches...tt oughta help..

Lastly, the face...i've gotta figure out a way on how to get rid of these scars...yea im growing slightly whiter even if its by a micro improvement but its revealing all the red scars...im thinking of gg fer the same treatment tt sky took that made his face look like he got stung by thousands of bees...its gonna be painful and terrible but i hope its worthed it...i mean, who wldnt wanna have a pure white scarless face right? when you look good, you feel awesome...

Im not sitting around and just blogging this down, hell yea im gonna do something about it...if all the jigsaws come together in place, ill be super satisfied by june...then, all i need to worry about is after ns life...to study overseas would mean leaving behind all the loved ones...and yet, new people, new beginnings...i have yet to decide...

I need to learn how to dance and club, and i need to open up to people more...but more importantly, i need to jerk off before my balls explodes...oh jesse, why did u have to wink at me while i was half asleep in the mrt...the guy that sat next to me was gay...

Blow Me,
Le Nachos

Yayy

2011-01-23T18:51:00.003+08:00

Today i caught u on a bad day...awww...but its ok, im gonna miss you for a whole week aniways...i jz wish i cld have made ur day better and see u smile...aah what the heck, cn try again nxt time right? :) at least i got a hug and a kiss in...yayyy...yea, i really hoped tt helped in any lil way and din make things worse instead...and now its time to book in...cheer up k babe, have a blast nxt week...im jz a phone call away...smile more, it'll make u look much prettier...k im dne with the quick post..nd to rush off already...later boobhead...

Everytime i raise up my 2 hands together, there's always that one wish ill have in my prayer...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Changing feelings

2011-01-21T18:21:00.005+08:00

I cant explain why...i've been going through a strong change rapidly...one moment i fell, another i picked myself up and soared high...one moment i want, another moment i dont...im not appreciating things like i used to...its like my mind is telling me that my life is stagnant and i need to go out, explore the world and get laid or smth...i used to hate changes and now im embracing it strongly...now it feels like nothing is worthed anything at all to me...not money, not people, not things...now, i feel that i want something new thats worth appreciating...i dont want to live in fear of life, like fear i'd get into trouble, fear i'd get hurt, fear that i'd lose YOU...i want to live life as it is, jz, gg with the flow, nothing restricting me...yea, i realised the outcome sooner that id expect, i was turning into YOU...now this is crazy, but if it makes me happy, ill go through with it..i dont want any regrets, i dont want anything telling me shit, i dont wanna listen to nobody...i jz wanna drink, smoke and fuck life away without thinking of losing anyone, hearing anyone complaining, hurting someone...the bottom line is, i dont fucking care anymore...if ill go back to being who i was before then so be it...but while i still can, ill enjoy it...now i just wanna sit down, and play digimon till my mind goes blank...then, ill go out and have some fun...cheers and beers motherfuckers...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Still cant

2011-01-17T10:35:00.002+08:00

I still cant do it, and i find no reason to do it...babe, u've been nothing but nice to me and im trying to throw it away...now i've probably made a mistake that i might regret for the rest of my life...u made it special, so special i fell for u down to ground zero when i was trying to lift myself up...i miss you, it aches...after the hang up, i couldnt even last 10 minutes without u...i dont care what happens next, but i just wanna try again...i gave u a free ticket to break my heart and realise it fully...its so irritating but i had to do it no matter what...sorry wont make a difference in this i know...but i have a million of them in my head and heart...

Silly little rock princess, i want u to miss me again like the past whole week...and i wanna miss you too...i want to go through every week this way and find something new with you...i dont wanna leave u forever and i dont want u to leave me too...so with those three special words "i love you" meant and never said, please go through the days with me again...and ill learn to adapt quickly just like how i did in the skating and the contact lens...i want to try again, will you please give me that chance?

Mucho love,
Le Nachos

Clash of black and white

2011-01-14T19:29:00.003+08:00

Walls built within, wars waged coming to no real solution...one seems to be living in an illusion of love and trust, another in pure hatred and cold hard facts...even if one side were to emerge victorious from this atrocious war, whether its right or wrong will remain to be seen...so what is real? how do i tell? and what waits ahead...the warm glowing light is fading, slowly...but its still there, its always there...it always will...whether it chooses to take form as a scar, or as a live heart...it will always be there...im stuck between 2 choices that seems right...whatever that wins, i want to take the step with full heart...and not with regrets...God, please help me through this...u already know what i really want..

Mucho confused,
Le Nachos

What it means to lose something dear

2011-01-11T19:35:00.003+08:00

I was surprised, astounded and speechless...a day i thought wld end sad...a day which was supposed to pass by normally for you...but it ended sadder for you and happier for me...dont get me wrong, im not entirely happy that you're sad, but it shows alot that you cld be this way...ill be honest and say that i dont think it'll last too long, but its really up to you to prove me wrong again...someone missing me like this, was something i always thought would never happen EVER in my life...but you proved that wrong...im sorry i made u shed tears, im sorry i had to do it...but i dont want to just keep hoping that u'll be mine and be powerless to do anything about it...you keep getting bored with me, a sign of immaturity where you cant hold on...im nothing too dear to you till the moment i turned my back..."i was always there, but not this time..." that was what i wanted you to think and see how you wld really react...although i must admit i really wasnt expecting that reaction...truth is, im still there, even though we're not contacting, im always there...i think i made it rather obvious when i said "call me if u really need me"..but im sure u never saw through it, and tts a good thing...

I've always wanted to be loved, missed and thought about, yes that i very much agree...but i've had it when i had you...and when i lost you, i thought i still wanted just to be loved...but i was wrong...dead wrong...Aifa made me realise that...It had to be you...it just HAD to be you loving me, missing me, thinking of me and feeling what i feel...and thats what i really wanted..then i cld probably die happy...i hope u realise this soon enough...cause i really cant do it...i wanna scold you so u know what i dont like about you...i wanna hug you to show how much i really miss you...i wanna kiss your forehead just to show how much i love you...and i wanna keep holding you in my arms with you holding me back to show that im yours and to know that you're mine as well...this saturday and sunday i wanna spend every last minute with you, enjoy every second with you and treasure every heartfelt moment with you...and then, i wonder, will i really move on...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Irit

2011-01-08T18:14:00.002+08:00

Seriously? irritated...Here i am trying to brighten up the mood and the attitude comes...seriously, i kept checking my iphone for mesges every hour that i woke up just to know that ur not nice enough to even say a simple hi...im boring, will always be and never will change...or maybe its just that you get bored with everything around you...it'll never work out, not when ur like this...im sensitive, for the little things i ask blablabla...then what abt you? u totally got mad over something that was meant to be a joke...no matter how mad i got i cld still calm down and not cross the line to ignore you completely...fuck it, why should i even fucking care? its not worth my time, my effort and my energy...if only i cld just move on i wld have...stupid heart, i curse you get a fucking heart attack and end this stupid cycle...along with everything that i hate living for...it always seems so happy at the start and eventually it comes to this...nothing good last my asscrack...then how is it people cld last so long together...they made it together, sure they have fights, but both parties are matured enough to work it out...but not you, never and will never...you cld do it for her, but not for me...its ok, ill be the world to someone someday, and i doubt its you...

Mucho Gerams,
Le Nachos

Dear god, please read this

2011-01-04T23:34:00.004+08:00

I wish i could just say it out, i wish i could stop hiding some of the things i really feel...i wish i didnt have a heart and i could just say it straight without fear of losing her forever or even worse, hurting her...i hate to see, hear or know that she's crying bcause of that person...i hate the fact that the other person is a girl, so i cant punch her for making her shed tears...i hate the fact that i still think she's super blind and stupid even though she's explained to me why...i hate the fact that despite all the hurting, the other person is still the world and no.1 to her...i hate the fact that i feel so inferior and so worthless to her that saying this out sounds super crappy...i hate the fact that i want her to notice, i want her to care, i want her to treat me like how she's treating that other person(oh god, i wish for that so freaking bad)...i hate the fact that i feel that i am girly, stupid and oversensitive while typing all this down...lastly, i hate the fact that she is the world to me, the no. 1 when its not the same the other way round...its ok, someone out there probably understands, i just havnt found who yet...

Dear god, once again i thank you for everything that you have given me over this past month, and im starting to appreciate the fact that she's not gone fully, but please, one more favour i'd like to ask...open my eyes, to let me be able to understand her, cause no matter how much i tried, it just seems like i feel the same no matter what...and open her eyes too, and let her see what i think...yes, ill admit i still love her and i want her and yet im trying to give her that breathing space...at the same time im not bringing my hopes up and keeping my options open...so show me a sign, throw me a line and give me something to believe in...and please me feel less girly when im typing all this out...its not normal for guys to be doing this -.- ...i cant show my emotions in real life, so this is the best i can do to feel better...yep, i feel much better now that its all out...now lets go out and be happy again... :)

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

New year

2010-12-31T14:17:00.002+08:00

New year everybody!!! yay hip hip hooray and all that bullcrap...i've been blogging really often huh? well its gotta stop sometime...aniways...new year resolutions...ill make myself happy, be selfish, and fuck care the world!!! woohoo!!! cause no one's deserving of any real care...NO ONE...why? cause they dont treat you the same dumbass...its as easy as that...and its the selfish people who survives in this world...too many times have i seen that...sure they get looked down on, backstabbed, but they care abt their own life and they live happy...its that kind of mentallity i shd be following, so im gonna make it a habit to kick out my 'people pleasing syndrome'(as so stated in a book) and ill be more happy :)...now to concentrate on working out for a super hot body, learn how to get awesome hair when its long later and then super hols with chics in bali or australia...im gonna live my life to the fullest and nobody's gonna get me down again....

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Once again all is lost

2010-12-29T18:41:00.002+08:00

I cant believe it...i cant accept it...i still cant take it...it hurts so bad...so fucking bad...i just broke down and thankfully its during my break...i cant do this anymore..life is too cruel and too painful...i cant see much of a bright future at all...i hate this...i know its coming...i can fucking feel it...this pain too familiar to forget...its time...i've never felt this suicidal before in my entire life...all i could do was delay the final blow...i think im gonna be dead before it comes...i just know it...everytime something good comes into my life, everytime im happy and satisfied, something or someone will always ruin it all...tts just it isnt it? im just not destined to live happy...i've told myself a thousand times that things are gonna get better, i still have a long future ahead, it'll be worthed it in the end...but this, THIS was the last straw that made me realise it all...i could never be happy, at least not for long...no one could ever pull me back from the edge...cause i've got no one left...i might as well find peace in death...no matter how torturous it is, it wont be as bad as realising my whole life was never to have a happy ending no matter hw hard i try...if i were to survive, it'll just prolong my suffering...the end...

Future

2010-12-26T23:53:00.002+08:00

Ill be taking my time figuring out what i wanna do in the future...it hits me so suddenly that i'm not prepared...that i take my own time with my life just bcause im having it easy now...i thought i had it all planned out, like finish ns, go on a dream holiday and then sign on as a section commander and save up to get my own house and start living on my own, then start taking classes on the four important religious subjects that my dad told me to seek...but somewhere along these lines, i feel something missing...my heart keeps telling me something's amiss, something was left behind...i wonder if this was it, but i've never included anything about starting my very own family...i wonder if what i earn will ever be enough...sure ill get higher pay as i rise up through the ranks...sure there are alot of people doing this all around...it seems like its gonna be a struggle, just for cash...cause without it, we cant live in this world...hw i wish it was caveman times where i cld just wake up, hunt for food and hump anything tts around me and then back to sleep...easier tt way huh...who wldnt wish for that...maybe its just me who does...

I wonder, will i ever meet any of this expectations...i need to make a pact, a vow, a personal promise that i would never break that ill do everything in my power to ensure i actually go through all that i've written above...it wont be easy but i have to do it...its life, it wont be easy forever...and i dont know where to start...once ns ends, i have to be totally independent...its happening now cause i've started, now i just have to get my own house and maybe there it'll be easier...someone please support me through all this...oh yea, blogs dead, nobody's reading...guess im all alone on this...not a bad start after all...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

YOU

2010-12-25T18:27:00.002+08:00

How could i ever forget? how could i ever delete you from my life...when all along, you were there even when you're not...in my mind, everything i do, every new girl i had a crush on, everytime i work, you were there...You were always there...and now, you're back...and im almost the happiest man alive...Like before, i feel happy, i feel satisfied, i feel jealousy when you talked about you exs, i feel anger when you told me she hurt you so bad, i feel sad when we part...you're like the flavour to my food, the colours to my drawing, the hair to my balding head(wtf???)...i miss you and yea, i need you...and i will always love you, even if you dont feel the same(im not saying tt i know you dont but tts not the point) and im still waiting for the day it'll all be perfect...then maybe, insyaallah, we'll be happy together again...for i'd give the world up for you(so mushy right...pfft) and i'd do anything to get to you when you're down and ill be there to turn your frown upside down!!! So yea, i still do, ily, Hafidzatul Islamiah Bte Ismail...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Return

2010-11-02T13:59:00.002+08:00

Im finally back...after so many months...felt like a year...life's getting better at one part...cause i've finally found my new love who's nursuhaifah...yea, problems arised bcause of that...but i dont care, i intend to keep both my relationship and my friendship with yazid at the same time...life's been getting harder at another point...i finally saw the meaning of the face of my dormmate who seemed to good to be true...and as i suspected he's exactly what i thought he was...new job's causing problems...heck im getting freeflow extras nowadays...i just wish i could go back to the platoon and enjoy my simple days there...

Now it seems the whole world is turning their back on me once again...im living in a world full of selfish egoistic people who wouldnt give a shit about other's feelings...as long as they're content they just continue shooting words that could possibly hurt others...god gave us a brain to think and put yourself in other people's shoes...so please, whoever's reading this, start learning to do so...im not perfect, but i still have the brains to shut my mouth whenever its necessary...

Im still having doubts no matter how small, its still doubts...cause we're 2 almost completely different personalities got together...im the guy who hangs with matrips(though not totally influenced) while she's that A-star student who's religious at the same time...i wonder, will it work out in the end? only god knows...all i know is that im not making the same mistake with trust, ill keep it down and never lose myself to love again...i have so much more to update but im short on time so this'll have to do..till next time...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Calmed down

2010-06-26T16:37:00.003+08:00

Im back...and this time, i feel calm again..so i thought of blogging this down bfore i turn crazy again...it feels awesome, like ur free as a bird, all thoughts of anger, hate and ugliness is just gone, as though it was never there...im going to enjoy this day...the feeling that seemed lost forever is finally back...i wanna take that long walk again...simple carefree life, i love it... :DDD

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Purity

2010-06-19T01:05:00.003+08:00

Im still too pure...i cldnt cross over yet...yet im desperately trying to break that purity and stain myself black...yet, past intervention strikes again...nevertheless, it wasnt the only problem i faced...another beautiful face pops up again..and i cldnt help but admire her purity...its pushing me back to the original site...and the flawless beauty was simple but astounding...i know i cld never...but i cant just sit down admiring forever...once again im at a standstill...but i wont give up painting myself black...who knows, a better world might be waiting there...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

The game

2010-06-06T20:26:00.003+08:00

Dudes and dudettes, i've officially set up a record for reading a complete book in just 2 days...due to the boredom i've been facing during standby, my brain crashed and i grabbed something that i hated, books...somehow, this book was rather intriguing and it caught my desire to read within minutes...now, as u all should probably know, im a book hater, but it was a last resort, as what we were doing during standby was basically eat, toilet and "sleep torture"...yes my friends, let me enlighten you on what is defined(by me) as sleep torture...

1) You're not allowed to sleep but you're sleepy due to the boredom of not doing anything, and you are constantly awaken when there are big shots roaming the place to make sure that you were awake at all times..
2) The place is fucking hot that the big fan barely did anything to cool us down, thus making it very uncomfortable to sleep when u really feel like dozing off...
3) There was no place to lie down, except in the PDV( our bus which was hot like a fucken oven) and instead, we sat on plastic chairs tt cause the occasional butt cramps...
4) You will feel like sleeping every 5 minutes, even from the start of the time you get there, due to lack of sleep from waking up at 5.30am in the morning and sleeping late at 2am in the morning due to coming back late from the previous day's standby...
5) Your off day is being threatened, anyone caught sleeping has a chance to sabotage the entire platoon's off days...thus the constant need to look out for big shots around...and you still fall asleep unconsciously no matter how you fight it...

And that my friend, is 'sleep torture'...so the book magically kept me awake as i was so interested in it...it was a real eye opener, about this geek who transformed into one helluva pick up artist and eventually chilled down with a girl who din fall for his pick up tricks...interesting...gave me some new ideas too...but i cant help wondering, does the sequel tells the answer on how you get over one-itis... one-itis is a condition named by the pick up artists where by the dude gets stuck to one girl and loses his usual charm due to his love for that girl...the other pick up artists said the cure was to fuck a dozen other girls and the main character tried it, but it did not work...and thus ended chilling out with tt girl...so whats the cure? i want to know badly...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Draaaggg

2010-05-23T20:12:00.002+08:00

Kinda bored today...all i did was sleep eat and carry some things...yep, tts standby for you...today, i was on standby with a different platoon, since they din have enough people around...so me, my fellow setcom and 2 rescuers were sent to work under this awesome encik, whom i was under before i got sent to platoon 1...the thing i love about this encik is he always come out with some new crap to make us laugh...for instance, last week, he was teaching my platoon for our standby and his platoon was wondering around aimlessly...so he shouted to them "eh chibai u all, beratur NOW!!..fucking hell, walk around like your father camp..." (his platoon started to walk slowly to beratur) "chibai take your own sweet time ar?!! i count ar? i count!!" (platoon starts to rush abit, as encik zul starts to count) " one, two, buckle my shoe..three, four, shut the door...five, six, report sick..." L, O, FUCKING L....hahaha...he made such a fierce expression but end up with cocky stuff...and he does this like everyday...just now, i din tuck in my shirt during the standby...then in front of the firefighter women(quite hot too) he said..."chibai mahathir tuck in your shirt la!! aku cabot konek kau baru tau!!(i pull off your dick then you know)" it was embarassing but at the same time i cldnt help laughing my ass off....cb...

Well, there was nothing much except that i saw a friggin hot medic chic walking ard at central fire station...other than tt, it was eat sleep and carry stuff...mostly sleep...zZz...and it was so friggin hot too...bleargh...hopefully next standby at istana wld be better...

I've really forgotten what it feels like to love again...i dont even know whats so awesome about it and im guessing the constant state of trying to forget did it...somehow, reluctantly, my mind is trying to figure out what it feels like...its trying to pull me back...so someone, teach me how it feels...:D

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

The damage

2010-05-22T21:58:00.002+08:00

Im gonna grow stronger...mentally and physically...each day passes and ill be training...no more slack time, no more wait...ill break and break and break myself till im sturdy as a wall...i came to realise that im much weaker from overslacking...ill need to slap myself awake or ill be doomed to become lazy forever...i can clear the physical part easy...i know i can...but what do i do mentally...fucking ard in my brain isnt something normal people do even if its once in awhile...cause in those very few times, it hits hard...and it hurts...what an ass u turn out to be...im still gonna break through...

These days, im lacking inspiration...i need something new to create a new song....lyrics arent the problem..its always the chords...well i got my guitar in camp nxt week so its shd be alright...ill be having standby in istana tml...wonder what it gonna be like with all the big shots ard...if only i cld bring my laptop along...zZz...aah well its just for a day this time...lets see hw it goes....

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Reunion

2010-05-16T14:29:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, we had a reunion...awesome gathering for the 1st time in months...even azri turned up...we went to al azhar and then after a few hours we decided to play soccer with azri's friends at FIQO(or was it FICO) sports hub...hmmm, well some people changed and some didnt...hilda was as noisy as ever, only thing changed was she became darker from tioman...armelia was super hot(mulut ternganga skit when i saw her..hahhaha, pathetic)maz had a face which was slightly swollen due to his wisdom tooth extraction...he n hilda were their usual self criticizing each other like the boobheads they are..ahhaha..azri was his usual funny self, though he was quite shy cause he was being disturbed with hilda all the way...yazid was being his usual tongong self, nth much to describe...and he brought a friend called amri along...the dude was awesome in playing soccer...then we went to lepak at teh tarik...damn kecoh cause we had to fit 7 people into the car, azri started touching me all over(i knew he was gay all along) yazid was twitching cause he was still afraid of being tickled...well i didnt take pictures of them but hilda n armelia took my phone and took these pics when i was playing soccer...

So basically thats it...im going to the hospital soon cause i sprained my ankle...zZz...and i woke up with a fever too...awesome huh...aniways, gotta mit up again soon...maybe nxt week for karaoke and robin hood midnight...cant wait to see them again... :)

Mucho Love,

Le Nachos

Breaking the promise

2010-05-13T19:12:00.004+08:00

That last phone call is really cutting deep into my flesh...yeah, it made things worse...nothing really happened...but, it was so wrong...so very wrong...i shouldnt have called, i should have just ignored it...i was expecting better things said, but shit came in a different way...im still lost, confounded and trapped with no other solution to settle this...i need to throw it all behind...1 last chance is all i've got to give...and thats it...

I know that last chance wont be used wisely, so im taking a new step...im breaking our promise, bringing me a step closer to being like other guys...you always said that you would never talk to me again should i ever break this promise...so be it...dont...cause im doing it soon...then ill use it to forget everything and leave it behind...now im doing everything, everything i can to take that road away from you...and im bringing my heart along this time...and if it fails to follow, then ill just break it with my own will...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Lost

2010-05-06T19:27:00.002+08:00

Im stuck between desire and needs...what i want is something that seems so impossible that half the time i dont even want to know its there...its missing alright, i feel incomplete...but i dont even feel like trying...its too much of a trouble...whether i shall stay this way or whether i want to put in effort, ill just let fate decide...the emptiness is swallowing me whole again...rendering me speechless to the point that i dont even want to open my mouth...struck me as bad as it did, i wish i never knew it...or at least, i wished it was with someone else better...so why do i still crave it? i could curse and swear at it all day but it'll still be the same...im lost...i dont know what i want anymore...i dont know what to do, what i need and why this is happening...i need to grab some nachos, sit down and think this one through...and oh yea, fuck u...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Fid's 20th birthday

2010-05-03T22:15:00.003+08:00

So here's the song...i hope u enjoy it even though its poor in quality due to sky's stupeed handphone...its short but hopefully u'd like it...happy 20th birthday...may u grow to be a fine lady someday...enjoy your day while it last...its your special day...ill be in camp so i cant celebrate it...even if im not in camp u wldnt celebrate it with me aniways...hahakz...so i hope this'll do...once again, happy birthday Fidza..

I remember the times when we met in first year,

Memories of times that i will always treasure,

So we shared all of our tears and laughter,

Bonding closer as we grow together

And you, are the one,

I regard as a close friend even though we're world's apart,

And for you, i'd sing this song,

To remind u of the times when we once got along

As you grow one year older,

I'd like to wish you my dear,

Happy birthday to you my friend,

Happy birthday to youuuu (senget face and pucked out lips)

Mucho Love,

Le Nachos

Smile

2010-05-02T21:37:00.002+08:00

I played soccer today..hell yea, i beat my fatigue and cramped up legs just for the glory of scoring goals, even if its just at a street soccer court...sure the gate was locked, but we climbed the fence just to get in...yea it was fun...i actually missed playing soccer...i smiled and laugh throughout the game...showed some silly tricks tt made me lose the ball...scored some beautiful goals...but i had fun...and i was actually tired not from running but from laughing and smiling...my cheeks and stomach are hurting but i dont care...it was awesome...i just love trying out tricks to fool the defenders even though 50% of the time i lose the ball...scoring goals is as easy as running past the players and shooting hard...but no, im more to the beautiful play style...i hate scoring easy simple ones when i cld attempt an audacious bicycle kick(which almost went in) or even just a volley from half court...haha...even the beautiful through passes made me happy...okay, enough boasting like some superstar, the point is i played and im happy...lol...took u long enough to figure tt one out huh? if u did, then you is very many2 stoopeed...yep..and i have book in later...zZz..but i got ps1 games in my laptop!! woohoo...chidish as it seems, i love reliving my childhood times and playing these nonsensical but oh so fun games...nw if u'd excuse me, have to go iron my clothes for tml...oh yea, new short song should be uploaded tml...caoz..

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Now

2010-04-27T19:14:00.003+08:00

Im walking further and further away...along the way i cant help but look back...but then you came walking beside me and made me look forward...you helped before and without noticing, you're picking me up from the ground...and now, i want to be the guy to catch you when you fall...cause i know what you are going through...i know that we're similar in certain ways that its scary...and i wonder if you're the one...i want to try...but im not getting any clues to get in...so just leave me more than a hint, and we could be up on our feet...then, we'd never have to look back again...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Is suicidal thoughts like fucking normal?

2010-04-24T20:10:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i wonder...are suicidal thoughts normal in every person's life? people go through different bizarre depressing moments that brings them down to their lowest...are we all the same minds going through different lives? Each let down is a new lesson found, no doubt...but its either you learn from it, or you keep dwelling on the past which seems so irreversible in hopes that it will change...but what about the people causing this depression of others...dont they go through the same thing? Im sure most of them did...so if they know hw it feels like, why do they still do it? as i think through this, im stuck cursing and swearing those people...it doesnt just happen...its deliberate...the shit part is, they know what others are going through and they still cause it...

Back to the suicidal part...different people have different points of view, no doubt about that...some are just born lucky and some arent...from my point of view life isnt worthed it, cause shit is happening in every part of my life...sure there are some parts where its enjoyable but whats the point if you are gonna suffer after each happy moment...3/4 of my childhood life was ruined by a dickhead who was said to be my brother and now im facing shit like ns, fidza, control freak parents and fear of facing the future...isnt there anything at all tt cld make me feel content with life...the fact that there are others going through life a million times worse does not help at all, cause it'll just make me pity them and curse life more...i wonder whats waiting in the afterlife...is it just a blank state of mind like when you sleep? then i'd wish for that now...it occurs to me that i may never be able to find meaning in life, even by loving others, being loved or having a perfect life...so i still wanna know what good life is...somebody enlighten me...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Sick again

2010-04-23T19:45:00.002+08:00

Dammit...im sick again...must be from running ard under the hot sun as the DO(Duty Officer) during the drill this morning...i thought a lil nap would make me feel better after lunch but still the same...gaah...to make it worse, today the rescuers decided showed their attitude and even the setcoms got pumped along with them...in other words, we had a second drill to punish them but the innocent setcoms had to be pumped too...under the hot burning sun...we were made to do footdrill and push ups...the ground was scorching hot...i ended up with a red palm tts still burning now and some blister on the top of my hand(which din touch the ground...shows my hand was literally cooked)...another setcom however wasnt as lucky as he ended up with a huge blister on his palm...then after tt, we had PT(physical training) where we did 200 push ups, sit ups and ard 400 squats...now, im not one to brag but i cld easily finish it up if my hand wasnt hurting...in fact, the ground was still hot...so it added to the pain...after 150 push ups i started to struggle..man it was terrible enduring the pain all the way...all the setcoms and rescuers struggled together...terrible day...

On another note, i finally downloaded the full version of american pie one...a movie i've wanted since long ago...but only one problem....its in spanish!!! Freak!!!...uurgh wasted my time waiting 5 hours for it to download...aniways...i still watched it and it made me feel damn jealous...wish i was born in europe and i cld enjoy parties like tt every day...oh well...what to do, tts life...so lets just pop open the beer cans and enjoy what we can for now...cheers...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Future sight

2010-04-20T23:05:00.003+08:00

Im gonna be pondering long abt this...future is still a long way but i need to plan now...im still trying to plan out my australia trip money....i still owe my mum 600 for the laptop and im gonna clear tt with nxt month's pay...then i calculated tt if i start saving up from june's pay till i ord(that is if im disciplined enough)i shd have ard 8k to spend...but bike prac is gonna cut into my funds as well...zZz...uurgh...so roughly estimate tt i have ard 6k to spend...if all goes according to plan...sky said it shd be more than enough...but i wont go straight away...still nd to relax and grow my hair long bfore i depart...i wonder what shd i do then...im getting a terrible itch to start working at fnb line again...especially fish n co...shd i?...i cld earn some extra cash and enjoy working at the same time...aussie trip roughly gonna last a week...then im gonna go back and sign on...i got lotsa thoughts here but its gonna take me all night to fill in the details...and im booking in..in abt 10 mins time...any suggestions feel free to mesg me...something abt jobs after ord or some tips...kk gotta get ready now...caoz...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Final goodbye

2010-04-17T05:00:00.002+08:00

There's no need for words now...goodbye and farewell...this marks the end of the 3 year fairytale that was never proven...here's to our happy ending...cheers and beers muthafuckers...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Ego prob

2010-04-16T21:08:00.003+08:00

I just dont understand how some people cn have an ego so big...its like the world revolves ard them...i hate these kind of people...thinking that they're so damn important that the world cant make it without them...see, mirza's ego is an exception cause it doesnt really hurt nobody...its juz that he's proud of himself for actually earning his own goals..but some other people literally f*cking seek attention and when they get it they made it into such a big deal as if they're the queen of my d*ck or something...well the shit part is, it fucking affects other people and they live off it...and im sick of seeing this shit happens, especially to someone close to me...

The lies you tell to bring yourself up is affecting tt other person too...seeing through you wasnt that hard after all...it just took a little more time...it also seems tt other person is trying to grow to be you too...so stop destroying other people with your pathetic lies...its terrible enough with just one of your kind...and oh yea...to the other person... :) i could tell whenever you're lying...the truth is, i pretended not to know...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Surfs up

2010-04-13T19:26:00.002+08:00

Heyya boobheads...i was so into this awesome dream today...i know i've had these kinda dreams often so why nt blog it down?? haha...so anyways, i saw myself going to the sandy beach(2 years later)in australia, with my hair all grown and my body ripped frm all the training...bought this cool awesome surfboard...brought it out into the ocean with the wind blowing in my hair...paddled up to the middle of the sea and surfing like some pro dude...hahahaa...n then some camera dude takes some awesome shots of me(so full of myself.. i know, but its just a dream right? ahha)...then suddenly this awesome thought came into my mind...i thought of posing with some hot babe there just as a souvenir to upload into facebook...then i literally went up to one and asked...she agreed and pushes me down onto the ground!!..then she got on top of me and the cameraman snaps a few shots...she goes down fer the kiss aaaaannd SOME BLOODY ASSHOLE WOKE ME UP!!! AAARGH!!!...why must my dreams always be cut off at the best part...zZz..aah well...1 and a half years away...im gonna save up all i cn...before i ORD im gonna grow my hair dammmn long, work out like mad to get a mean lean ripped body(i hate those huge muscular bodies, sooooo not me...lean is enough) and im already started on the work out part...encik ridzaidean's one of a kind sit ups really work!!...meanwhile, i got myself a new guitar...pitchfork red that comes with beautiful melodic singing...i love it...ill upload pics one day....time to go eat n work out...caoz...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

I've tried my best

2010-04-12T21:05:00.003+08:00

I've tried my best and still am trying...so why is it getting stronger day by day, week by week, month by month...i've tried going out with friends...looking forward to it...yes it did make me forget...but only to be hit hard in the face after its all over...i've tried redirecting attention to another girl...forcibly telling myself she's better in a million ways but in the end things got worse...people say time will heal the wounds but it seems that you're stabbing deeper where it hurts the most...it seems i still havnt got over you just yet...no matter how much i hate you ill still bring myself to love you in the end...i feel so helpless in this...drowning in something unexpected...i never thought i'd lose myself this way...at least not till i met you...i swear this has got to be the work of the devil...break it off, anybody, anything...i dont deserve this...im literally begging for this to end...please god, spare me this hardship on earth...i dont want to go on living this way...cut my heart out...and leave me cold and empty...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

i really miss us

2010-04-07T22:28:00.001+08:00

I really miss us....

ill

2010-04-05T22:10:00.005+08:00

Ok, now i've fallen terribly sick...im having bad dose of headaches and flu...nw im mentally and physically sick...i wonder if the strong urge of denials is causing this...it happened once before and its happening again...i doubt ill be going to camp tml...fuck, i can barely breathe right...to the hospital im going now...

Sick dokz...

2010-04-05T18:51:00.003+08:00

Its the 1st day of SRB and im feeling sick...like fucken sick till i couldnt stop blowing my nose off...so the 1st day was fucken slack...dude its too slack to the point its boring the shit out of me...all i did from morning till afternoon was sleep, eat, talk abit, sleep, eat...wait for director speech which was fucken 30 mins...then sleep,eat, short 15 mins tour, sleep and go home...like wtf...oh well...we're gonna get posted to station but most probably in 9 fucken months!!! and in tt 9 months im supposed to stay in monday to friday...wtf...although we do get our fucken night off we're stuck sleeping till drool all over out pt pants...slack life is loved by some though...aah well...endure Le Nachos...

I've came up with a crazy idea...just for the fun of it...wacky but fucken cool...this is hw it goes...i wanna go dress myself like some wacky 80's dude...imagine...tight shorts(muthafuckin ultra short shorts), ultra small tight shirt...a pair of white socks and pt shoes...then ill put up a fake moustache and get myself a rockstar wig...then ill go round town searching for chics to take pics with...then ill compile and upload it on facebook...hahahaha...should have done this in poly though...haha...ill need a cameraman for this...maybe mirza...if i ever get the free time ill try to do this shit bfore i turn 21...huahuahua...look forward to it boobheads...oh yea, im sick...gotta go now...i need to clear the huge chunks of green goo stuck in my throat and nostrils...fucken sick!!!...caoz...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Friends

2010-04-03T18:50:00.006+08:00

Some friends come and go...some friends stay with you for your whole life...others, make a huge impact on your life and will stay in your heart wherever you go...these few people were met during the best 3 years of my life...everyone's changed in their own ways but when we met, it was the same environment that we went through for those 3 best years...it felt a little like family...one big nursing family...for once i actually smiled and laughed in this emo shit week till i had a lil sore throat...no matter hw much we hated each other in some ways, we still got together like brothers...and Rudy Irwan was one perfect example of that...and already i miss them...especially Arif who will be going to Thailand for 1 year, the reason we got together in the 1st place...Ill wish a safe trip for you my friend...and make sure u treat us teh katai when u get back...

I still miss it, yes i still do...yet i cant make a first move...as though it were forbidden, im crossing that line to being satan but god pulls me back and slapped me silly...i've grown addicted to my heart's desires but i couldnt open that locked door, not when the key wasnt given...all i could do is hope that the door be open from the inside and till then im sitting along the corridor alone and praying that it was never gone...

Mucho Love,

Le Nachos

Who do i turn to?

2010-04-01T23:52:00.003+08:00

So Sky finally left for australia...and im hanging from a loose thread wondering what's gonna happen next...i have absolutely nobody to turn to when im down...feels like such a bad timing for him to go...he always manage to cheer me up with his stupid stories...i got that weird feeling again this morning...wondering what happened...hopefully its nothing...and i dreamt again...this time i was in a hospital after some accident unconscious and Sky was there...suddenly she pops out of nowhere with her...and she said something and sky fought back with words...she got pissed and tried to punch Sky...in an instant i jumped out of bed, iv drips still attached, grabbed her hand and smashed her face with my feet..she already did something i could never forgive(took me awhile to realise this too) and now she wants to lay a hand on Sky? ill never let her do that even if she's a guy/girl...whatever she is...not in a million lifetimes...aniways, its just dream...

I keep trying to wean myself of it but it keeps floating ard in my mind...in games, sleep and even when im fuckin showering...nw that sky is nt there to take it away i can be sure its gonna kill me slowly...i fucking hate to see tt someone precious fall far into that black hole...i wanna kill the satan brainwashing tt person so bad...giving up wouldnt even seem to appear on the option list..cause ill do anything, anything at all to pull that person out of the abyss and push her up...and i know i wont have any regrets doing so...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Poem

2010-03-31T23:27:00.004+08:00

The Perfect Secret

As i lay here and dream about what we could be
Is this a dream inside my reality
A beautiful dream with my secret lover
She sets me at my best and sometimes i surrender

To the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve
Im glad i am the guy that anything she'd risk
And when there is really none of me to do
I swear I just sit down and always think of you

So we put our emotions on the line
And always I wish that she would forever be mine
Like lovers poisoned Im Romeo and she's Juliet
Our love will always be one perfect secret

Tucked between her two little arms is where i long to be
Chocolates, roses and sweet love letters all to her from me
Like lovers poisoned Im Romeo and she's Juliet
Our love will always be one perfect secret

Lovely isnt it? well it was to be my new song but i havnt found the suitable chords yet...and yea it was supposed to be a surprise for ..... well...yea...aniways i've decided to unprivate my blog...troublesome to sign in everytime i wanna pass through...spy nk baca pun baca la...tk heran aku...haha...on another note...Sky is leaving for australia tml...im losing precious people one by one...he'll be gone for awhile...so who am i gonna turn to when im feeling down? No one i guess...aah well, tts life...gonna play my last game with him tonight...then off to the airport tml...safe trip lil bro...with u gone im officially dead...even if it just for awhile...so what happens to me from now on shd be written in this blog...if nt then lets just say i met with an accident...hahahhaha...if only tt were so easy as tml...pfft..Anihoots...maybe i cn blog about my dreams since its changing every single day...last night i dreamt i went to check out a certain blog and it wasnt privated like usual...inside i read something sad and sweet at the same time(i knew this cause its how i felt...i cldnt remember what was written)...i turned ard and i saw the owner of the blog who came over n hugged me...what does it mean? u tell me...tts all fer updates i guess...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Privatised

2010-03-28T20:21:00.002+08:00

Now...its been privatised...and i can finally blog in peace without having a spy to peek in on my blog lol...so i can write watever i want and only people allowed can see it...lately, things are getting boring...i grow sleepier each day and even when i lepak...maybe im growing weaker due to smoking...im starting to feel the fatigue that it bores me when i go out...and when im sleepy i tend to keep quiet...its such a bore that i try to say out random things and it'll come out jumbled up like trash...and lately i've been broke...gaaah...gotta do smth abt tis...im waiting fer 12 to come...hopefully i get full sgt pay...then it'd be awesomeeee...yeaaaa...

Im starting to wonder if its really the right thing to do...after all it was supposed to be done and over with...but it keeps coming back and i reached out for it with my arms stretched out...im desperately trying to save something i want or should i say something that i was suppose to have...maybe if i din follow my instinct i would have long gotten someone new...but this instinct is a part of me...something that helps to differenciate between friends and enemies...trustworthy or bastard..it also helps me to see what kind of person you are with just a few different views of your face...and just like how i know jepon and sky were meant for each other...it may nt be real and maybe it could be crap...but im taking my chances with this...for it has never failed me before...so why is it still pointing towards her direction...ill find out one day and tts for sure...

This time im gonna try again to make that new song...the lyrics are bought back with my guitar...then i just need to brush up on my guitaring skills and find a suitable chord...then ill start to sing again... :)

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

POC 'OH!!!!

2010-03-26T19:06:00.002+08:00

Done and over with...finally...POC 'OH!!!!!!!!!!!! i got my sergeant rank like finally...these 6 months growing up with people of different characters...as one 35th ERS...tolerating all the shits and suffering together...it finally came to the point we seperated with tears...we will still keep in touch no matter where we go...im sure of it...i dont feel like posting much so i guess this'll have to do...its gonna be too emotional to let it out here...cause the memories of our days as 1 ERS are gonna buzz in my head...so its time to head out go eat and take a breather...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Letting it out

2010-03-22T19:29:00.003+08:00

I bet she's nt even gonna read this page animore, so here goes...ill let everything out for now...i've been keeping and keeping it but there's no point animore...i've been suffering from it so bad its giving me random daydreams and hallucinations..it felt so terrible...im breaking down from the inside without realising it...i dont want it, i dont need it..but deep inside...i really want it that badly...its killing me...i swear i'd probably kill myself if this gets out of control...i'd rather die than having to suffer this pain all over again..and this is the hardest and most painful feeling i've ever felt in my entire life...it goes down to this cause too many painful things have been said...each slashing at my soul leaving deep penetrating wounds...i tried to keep calm about it...waving it off as though it were nothing..but the more i keep it inside, the more it gathers ready to explode...

All you wanted was some time and u put it in a way saying "its not gonna work out...i cant see us more than anything but close friends despite the intimacy"...i wonder in what manner is that asking for time...and still wondering...its like ur trying to say ur trying but at the same time ur telling me u dont want this...so which is it?? All those nights spent, did mean something...but in the end u keep throwing it away with your words...i really cant take this...it really makes me feel like some toy being discarded when ur done and thru with me...if u din say anithing, if u'd just show rather than speak...i know it wld be better...but in the end, u keep giving up too easily...i tried all i could, to keep this even when im losing the feeling for abit cause i know it'll come back eventually...but you just slammed the front door shut and walked away...was it that easy....cause it seemed so...now im wondering what all this time we had together meant to you...what did I meant to u...and now you dont even want to speak to me anymore...ignoring my pleas to settle things without saying much but petty goodbyes...was i that worthless in your life? to be thrown away so easily...you claimed u did try, u did smile and it was real...so why was it so easy to decide to give up and not wanting me in your life even as a stranger? I wish so badly that it was that easy for me too...then i wldnt have to go through all this...it wasnt worthed trying...it really wasnt...but somehow i really wanted to...i tried my best only to be pushed down again and again...

You were my everything...i just got that perfect life back...and i was content with life...and you just took everything away again...in you, i've lost a lover, a best friend and a dear little sister...and thats exactly what i saw u as...i guess what i really wanted from you was to be happy with life for once...after all, i did grew up wishing for it all to end soon...yes, my life was never perfect...and never easy...at least not till you showed up...for the very few times in my life i could actually smile and mean it...its nt the same as when i was with my friends...but u cld never really saw that could you...

Now im lost and im broken...im still finding ways to get over it...i wish the answer would come so soon...i dont want to get overwhelmed by the feeling again...its getting too much to take...and i dont wanna leave this world in tt manner...so stop piling on the pressure, god..help make it better, im begging of you...its my only request...

2 minds

2010-03-20T23:12:00.003+08:00

It was an okay bbq...got to see sky vomit like crazy after being forced to drink by the phantom dudes...hahahhaa...was quite a happy night till i got back and wasted my saturday sleeping...woke up n its time to go send sky's mom to the airport...went took a few pics with their family and got kecoh over the weighing scale...mind u, these were old makciks all laughing and giggling as they tried weighing themselves on the weighing scale which was meant for the bags lol...Said our goodbyes and nw im here at sky's place...

Im starting to seal myself in again...for what jepon said, it was all true...never worthed it...what was said was too deep it wont disappear for awhile...it was made clear what i was chasing was a foolish dream...it was never smth i needed, but something i wanted and thats all i need to know...now, i dont want all this...i dont need it anymore...its just a taste of the bitter life...this time ill be the one walking with my back turned...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Sad and happy

2010-03-19T19:21:00.003+08:00

I held through the sorrows fer a day...i kept it in and din say much of even a word...and now im back..i thought i wld break down again...but suddenly..i feel a mixture of sadness and happiness at the same time...i feel happy cause its my last week, gonna POC nxt week...but at the same time i feel that im down due to the overwhelming sadness she made me feel..also the fact that im starting to miss 35th ERS...but somehow, the feeling was just too great that i cld cry and smile widely at the same time...i dont know why i feel this way...maybe there's smth more to the happiness there...i wont deny the fact that im heartbroken to bits...but suddenly it feels like 2 huge emotions dominating my head that im more to happy...this feels like a perfect dayeven though its not...im still smiling with the urge to let out some tears...maybe it'll last for only one day...at least im going to my bro's bdae celebration smiling... :')

I wonder if its gonna be any easier this time...i have no reason to blame another in this matter so its supposed to be much easier...but i felt different...its probably due to the feeling...and maybe im changing and maybe not...still miss it badly but im still smiling....i wonder whats going on...I only wish you could make it better...and i hope nothing will spoil my mood tonight... :')

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Moody

2010-03-17T19:34:00.002+08:00

Haiz...this week has been nothing but moody...im feeling irritated since monday...and today's the worse...there's a friggin fine line between joking about people and irritating the crap outtta them...im juz so fucken irritated i feel like bashing up my own dormmate...fuck...was this close...just this close...but i held back...no point going through the whole ERS course if ur gonna go DB in the 2nd last week...maybe i just need time to calm down and meditate somemore...ill lose alot if i go DB...so im trying to calm myself down...i dont even feel like talking to anione...so i juz stormed outta my dorm alone...lil chat wit my cuz on the mrt din do nuts...so i guess im gonna be like this fer awhile...i nd sometime away frm the world..but im gonna book in again later...hw long cn my patience last...i nd help thru this...aargh...hopefully it'll stop...

On another note...HAPPY BIRTHDAY SKY KECHIQUE....to my truly beloved BFF(best faggot friend) whom i consider as part of my family, a younger brother and an assholic jerk at 1 shot...i just wish you have great birthday...as you grow older i hope u will become more smarter even though u prove otherwise each year...due to ns we may nt be seeing each other that often but ill just let u know tt ill always be there when u need me...tts right people...anione who has a problem with him will have to go through me GOT IT??!!!...i wish all the best in ur relationship with jepon and i knw u'll always stick tgt even though ur both boobheads...may all ur wishes come true...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Best in me

2010-03-14T20:23:00.003+08:00

2 more weeks to poc...i cant wait...i juz wanna get final ex over with...im gonna pass all the exercises...and im gonna do it with full motivation...ill train n study hard for it...time to kick aside that lazy habit...all those wit u on my mind,,,n then ill pass out with a grand POC...n i'd wish u'd be there...really bad...it'll mean alot to me...but i cant force u to...n i wont...i know u've gt work n all that to deal with...

I realise things are happening so fast...it felt like years have already passed...even though...i still feel smth's being hidden...maybe its juz my own imagination...or maybe u were trying to say smth that u cldnt say out...when i see that sad look i just cant bear to let it be...from what i cld see...it looks like ur thinking that i was gonna be away for a long2 time...or maybe its smth else...

On the other hand...Jepon u dumb boobhead!!! u look like Sky when he got back from australia...tembam mcm hamster!! lol...stop mencekiking...aniways...guess im done with my post..ill be leaving for camp with a heavy heart...but ill be full of motivation with Kai, Mica n australia in mind...hahha...wish me luck fer my final ex people-whoever reads this blog...n ill be off now...P.S. IMYBUSB... go figure :)

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

What i really want..

2010-03-07T11:33:00.003+08:00

It juz strikes me that what i really wanted was never the hugs or kisses...i guess what i really wanted was to be loved back...and not half heartedly..it wld be juz painful to see tt face tt u love turns away each time u look...it's just nt the same...and suddenly, it felt real again...i must have been dreaming cause i never would have expect things to turn out this way...but it seems this way too many times before...its impossible to take the same track again...ill move up a different road n ill find a way out for sure...maybe one day...

Mucho love,
Le Nachos

Is it finally ending?

2010-02-19T21:29:00.002+08:00

We long for close company which we seek from our loved ones...we share similar twisted stories which engulfed our hearts making us fragile and widely aware of the devil's crutch...we fear it, yet we long for more...like drugged fools, we seek perfection, but our fear blinds us...will we ever walk on that thin line to the other side? or will we fall into the pit of despair below? Or maybe, just maybe...if we were to shine our torches the right way, we could walk out of this maze together...could it ever happen? let fate decide....

I've completed my 2nd song "The love i had from once before"..at least i think i have...well, all tts really left is to touch up the song n make it link better...other than tt, its good...n i couldnt really make a song out of Iqbal's poem cause the guitar wldnt link with my singing...n my poor baby is spoilt...need to repair her soon...then we cn sing together like we used to...other than tt, im looking forward to the bbq nxt sat...tml's my station posting n im gonna be there fer 24 friggin hours...zZz...then its sleep day on sunday n book in..zZz...we really cant enjoy this weekend at all...haiyo...aah well...tts all i guess..

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Songs awaken

2010-02-15T14:12:00.003+08:00

My ns sectionmate iqbal actually made a lovely poem..personally i think its quite deep...so here i am offering to make a song out of his lyrics throughout the weekends...he agreed n passed me the lyrics...nw here's the gd part...i nv did bring them home...AAARGGH...wasted 5 days to make a new song..zzz...n he nv did came online so i cant ask him frm the internet...its ok, if the lyrics wont come here, ill bring my guitar there...then we'll complete it...

On another note, im looking to complete the song titled 'the love i had from once before' ...it juz need some finishing touches...like a bridge n a few lines...then im moving on to a new song...apparently i made quite a few half completed songs n im planning to complete them all n make my own personal album here in my blog...wahahhaa...big dreams ey? well im doin it!!...i got 1 day left to enjoy bfore booking into camp again..zZz...gonna be a tiring week...nd to find smth to do...so lets nt waste time here...im goin off to enjoy...tts all boobheads...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

Sensitivity

2010-02-12T21:44:00.003+08:00

Ive realised recently hw completely vulnerable n weak i am...hey, im nt really saying im a sissy here but u do nd to know ur weakness to grow stronger right? well, im nt really a pussy who cant put up a fight, my weakness lies on the inside...u see, i've been thru some deep soul searching n realised that even though i've gt a tough body which cn withstand punches kicks n even steel bars thrown at me, i still have a weak spot i'd like to call sensitivity of the heart...unlike other guys, i tend to get emotionally unstable at times...a good example is, i still havnt gotten over the past...although i've been trying with my life, i still feel tt i love her...although i may try to hate, despise or curse her, it'll still go back with me thinking of the sweet times we had bfore...though it was short, i must admit it had a huge impact on my life...and with valentines day coming, i still cld not fall fer someone else no matter hw pretty they are..its like a curse...once in awhile i wld still wonder hw she's doing, wats going on in her life n all tt crap...in the end, i guess i was still craving fer her attention more than anithing else...

Another example wld be, i tend to think of others more than myself...it may be gd to some extent..but too much of a gd thing is a bad thing rite...i hate troubling others with my actions, so i tend to look out fer my own wrg doings and learn frm other people's mistake...if people were to trouble me, i wld probably juz grumble n complain abt it but if i were to somehw trouble others with my actions, i wld feel like my heart was tied to a giant anchor...enough to make me spill tears of blood...n tts hw much afraid i am to be of trouble to others...

My aim will always be to get over these weaknesses...but unlike my body, i dont know hw to train my heart n mind to be tougher...i felt tt this topic has once been said in my blog but somehw nth's changed...even as im blogging im still thinking of her...sometimes i wonder y am i cursed with such a faithful heart...i wanted to grow up to be like other guys, maybe grow to be some playboy sweettalker who gets the girl he wants n goes fucking ard geylang when his bored or smth but i juz cant bring myself to do all those shit..zZz...1)i cant bring myself to break a girl's heart 2) geylang?? WTF... okok maybe tts abit too overboard but the point is i wanted grow up to be a friggin normal guy...zZz...not some fairytale jerk who gets all emo...zZzz...n nw i feel like i've juz posted some crap on my blog...i guess my head's all messed up...ahh well...i guess tts all fer the updates...

Mucho Love,
Le Nachos

New years 2010

2009-12-31T17:02:00.002+08:00

So my blog is dead fer quite some time eh...maybe i might juz bury it down under after this post...aniways, this update's gonna be fer the new year tt comin...this yr has been hectic...quite2 terrible n sad...the seperation of the nursing dudes n dudettes, troubling love life, and the suffering in ERS...there were still plenty of laughter despite all the tears n stupid emo moments...n on the bright side, i made alot of new friends this year especially in cold storage n ERS...I've seem many new kinds of people...ppl who cld chg faces, ppl who think they cld do watever they want juz bcause they have abit of body (this jerk in ERS who seems terrifies the shit out of most ERS dudes fer some reason..apparently his terror din work on me or my section mates) and also some people who had terrible background but grew to be ppl u cn really trust..even though it taught me alot of new things...i hope tt the new year brings better times...i really wanna enjoy life to the fullest...especially this comin HTA camp n brunei outward bounds...cant wait...

On another note, the FFC(firefighter course) are already passing out n it kinda saddens me...most of my ex brtc dormmates are in the FFC and din really get to say gdbye to most of them...it was fun in brtc with them..laughing and suffering tgt as one platoon...n having a night party each night...we were pretty darn close...oh well, we will definitely keep in touch...nw i guess its time to go get ready to go out n mit the other ppl...n wish fer a brand new year with much more happier times... :) I guess tts all...Happy new year boobheads...
Mucho Love..Le Nachos...

guard duty damn

2009-12-05T15:55:00.002+08:00

Heyya boobheads...been awhile but im too lazy to remember things happening to blog them down...haha...i've been thru a bunch of super depressing weeks...apparently i've been missing someone so bad its tearing me up inside...its sad cause tt person's gone forever...but after she left, i learnt a valuable lesson...tt ppl could change totally in the blink of an eye...wat i see now is a totally different person..lil did i know tt people cld change faces...i shd have realised it sooner...

Enough with the unnatural crap...for nw im done with my FSA which means ill be getting my fire badge...unfortunately, somehw we're nt getting an allowance increase for tt badge so we're juz gonna hang on to 4oo fer another 3 months...soon it'll be HTA(the home team academy-sergeant promised us lotsa chics there fer some reason) and then brunei...cant wait...lately, true colors have been showing all ard...my dormmates are finally letting out their true selves...one of my sectionmates has an ego tts way worse than mirza's, one prettyboy who farts like nobody's business went wild, another dude we made fun of started to stink real bad(thank god he's gonna OOC nxt week)...aah well...on another note, our dorm team consisting of me, yasser, hamid n irfaan had out first glitch in our soccer record...a draw...but after tt we made up for it by defeating the firefighter team which our allstar team couldnt beat...yes, our allstar team had some club players who played brilliantly but still lost to the firefighters..n our team kicked the firefighter's butt twice...haha...

Other than tt, gonna go collect my guitar, probably play some pool or smth, n then most probably back to facebook...ill be seeing ya boobheads...Mucho love, Le Nachos...